Being a Parent and making decisions

It sucks sometimes. It sucks having to make decisions on things that you aren't sure about. Like last night, I was trying to figure out if I should take Loralei to the ER or not b/c her cough just doesn't want to go away and it seems to be getting worse. So I took her stripped both of us down and turned the water to as hot as we both could stand (more as hot as she can stand) and sat in the tub with the shower to create steam. I do this for me with my sinus issues. Well it worked, poor thing was soo exhausted. She had been trying to go to sleep and just couldnt' b/c everytime she laid down she started coughing, she fell asleep sitting up against me. She was soo peaceful looking. But then I started losing feeling in my arm and couldn't stand to be in there anymore so I knocked on the wall for K to help me and he was out, THANKS HONEY!!!! So I ended up having her wake up b/c there is no way I could lift her out of the tub anymore. So she went to bed, sleeping in my bed up against all of my pillows and she has been sleeping since. I could probably go to bed but I don't want to wake her up.

I will however need to get some sleep since I'm taking her to the Dr today. I need to get this taken care of. Treatments aren't working and she can't keep going on like this. It's been over a week and nothing is working. She has never had an issue with her asthma like this before and it worries me, maybe it's not her asthma (I'm praying it's not) and it's something else, but she says her chest feels tight and then when she lays down she starts coughing, I think it is. So if you pray, please lift Loralei up in prayer today and that it's nothing serious and just something that we can change or do differently or meds can help. I should be thankful b/c she's basically been asthmatic since she was born and this is the worst we've had besides last year when we got into the car accident and she almost had croup, but that cleared up in 3 days. I hate going to the Drs it just sucks. Being a parent is hard. Making the decisions for someone else is not always fun. Sometimes I wish I had a magic 8 ball that could just tell me what to do and I wouldn't have to second guess myself or my decision. I do have a magic 8 ball and I listened to Him last night that's why she is now sleeping in my bed and we're not at the ER. Ok I think I might try to snuggle up to her without interrupting her sleep.

Christmas

So we are less than 24 hours away from Christmas officially being here and I'm actually excited. Sad that it has taken me so long to get excited for Christmas but I am and that's all that matters. Sad b/c I allowed all the stuff that shouldn't get to me to cloud why I really celebrate Christmas, what Christmas means to me, why it's not just a day of presents and food and family. For me it's the celebration, the birthday of my Savior, my Lord, Jesus. A little over 2000 years ago He was born in a manger and died 33 years later for me. I am sad with myself that I let the hoopla that has been created in today's society cloud and affect how I should have been feeling all along. Happy and in awe, rejoicing His birth, content in all that He has done for me and those around me.

I got soo caught up in the wordly aspect of it all, the shopping (or lack there of for me) for presents for people, the whole we have to do this and do that, all the issues that come with Christmas year after year. I got to help people out this year. Our church among about 21 other churches got together and did this thing called Feed the Bay. It was really neat. After church (and sitting through one of the shortest sermons I've ever sat through in my life, no lie it was like 10 mins max lol) people from the churches went shopping for food, not for ourselves or our families but for others. We were given a list of foods that food pantries need and so we went and shopped for them then gave them to the drop off places right there at the store. The two major chains here Publix and Sweetbay (Sweetbay rocked b/c they gave 5% of the what was bought back to Feed the Bay) were who sponsored it. Then my Lifegroup went to a Food Pantry and we helped stock the shelves. There was soo much food (in total we all collected about 270,000lbs of food) but yet it was going to be no where near enough to last them very long. Yet it felt good to help out, even that tiny bit that I did. Then we just gave money to help build wells in other countries where they don't have running water or even anything close to clean water to Water for Life . It was just money to us but it was more than that, it was us giving what we would have used for presents to help others giving something that would only make others temporarily happy to those that will affect their lives forever.

My Lifegroup adopted this family who have 4 kids, the mother is on disability and the father had to stop working to help take care of her and the kids (the kids are 10, 4,3,and 2). So they didn't know how they were going to give them a Christmas this year esp with how the economy has been. I took the 10 year old as I have a 10 year old sister as some of you know and she likes all the things that this 10 year old liked plus Loralei likes it too so it was easy for me. So here's the funny/cool part. I was emailing my Lifegroup leader to tell them we would take the 10 year old. I didn't even pay attention to the name just the age and Loralei was talking and was like oh Destiny (my sister) is 10 too, that's cool mommy. Then I look down at my phone (which is where I was emailing from) and saw the name of the little girl. Her name is also Destiny. So anyways I just thought that was kind of cool and neat and would share :) So I hope they have a Merry Christmas and we know that the parents are very thankful for the gifts for the kids as they repeatedly tell our Lifegroup leader.

So it felt good to help those people and put things back into perspective of what this holiday is all about. Giving and helping and loving and just being with those that you love and care for and remembering what the day is all about to me and many others, the birth of Jesus Christ. Not presents, not food, not having a good ol time. There is nothing wrong with any of that, but that's not what Christmas is about, not to me anyways. It's remembering that Christ was born for us so that He could die 33 years later so that we could one day go to Heaven when we die if we choose to accept Him as our Savior and ask for forgiveness of our sins. His Love for us!

We also scaled back on what we are getting/got Loralei for Christmas. We are not going overboard anymore. This child has more toys and clothes and books and whatever else you can think of than she knows what to do with them. So we just got her a few things and that's it. Nothing huge or special. We didn't get a tree this year b/c of her behavior and her not listening, now before someone gasps and goes OMG how could you not get a tree, she has a tree that is like 2 feet that we are going to use, it's not like she has some huge presents she is getting from us so it doesn't matter. It was actually nice to not have to worry about a tree this year. Though possibly it would have helped me get in the Christmas mood but who knows lol

So Christmas is almost here and I'm excited. Can't wait to see how she reacts to her presents we got her and to celebrate the birth of my Savior. Oh and to have good yummy food too doesn't hurt :) Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!! Love all of you and wish I could be with you all on Christmas, we could have some fun! God Bless everyone!

Food Porn

Ok so my friends and I talk about food ALL the time, we are probably obsessed with food. We even share food porn with each other. Man our mouths are sometimes watering soo bad it's not even funny. Food is just awesome. How could you not like food?? Imagine your favorite food. You see it right? Now look at it and think about how good it makes you feel, and you notice there is no one else around, just you and your favorite food, nothing else matters at this point and time. It's just soo delicious looking your mouth starts to water, then you start remembering what it tastes like, how it feels in your mouth, how you want to just eat it all at once but take it slowly as well, you want to savor it and enjoy it as much as you can. The smell, the smell is just intoxicating and alluring and you can't help yourself but to smile and moan a little (come on admit it, when you eat it you do that little grunting moan). It tastes soo good going down, you keep enjoying yourself over and over till its gone. Then that's when it hits ya, you're dreaming, your drooling over a dream. Ok so wipe your mouth and go get it, your favorite food and enjoy it b/c that's what food is for, to enjoy and embrace and have a good time with. It's the only thing you can selfishly get away with doing and no one can say anything.


So do it, you know you want to. Oh and as for the Food Porn, go look up some awesome pictures, but share them here or with me and I'll put them up on another blog for everyone to see. I want to see some Food Porn, how about you? The best picture gets a gift, not sure what yet, but I'll figure something out. So get others that you know to find pictures but don't tell them what it's for lol that way you'll win. Can't wait to see what you guys send me. send it to chefshannon06@yahoo.com

No Worries!

Ok so it has been brought to my attention by a loving friend she knows who she is and I thank her for her concern, she's awesome. Anyways, in case anyone was concerened about my last two blogs I'm just down right now. I have a lot on my mind. That's why I started this, to get stuff out and it's helping to some degree. Anyways, I'm fine, I'm not depressed, I'm in a depressed state which for me are two different things. I'm just down in the dumps and I'm trying to get out. Writing helps me do that. I am happy, I'm loving life, just hating some things in it right now or not feeling like wanting to like some things in it. So if you were wondering, there's you're answer for those who didn't want to ask. And for that one, Love ya, you're awesome, did I mention that already? lol I love you guys and thanks if you were worried/wondering about me. I appreciate it.

Christmas Spirit!!

Ok so I woke up this morning and realized something. I'm soo not in the Christmas mindset. I don't know why. I have a few theories but not too sure. Usually I'm all about Christmas right after Thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong I am soo wanting Christmas to come, I want to celebrate what it means to me which is the celebration of the birth of my Savior Jesus Christ, but I just can't seem to get that "holiday cheer". I have bought one present, count them 1 present and that was just something I picked up and didn't put much thought into. I want to decorate but at the same time I'm like eh it's not that big of a deal. THAT is soo not like me. I want my holiday cheer, not having it is depressing me. I DON"T want to be depressed, NO I will not let it happen.

I think part of the reason is I have just had soo much stress and I'm not looking forward to the stress that is involved with the whole Christmas ordeal. I don't feel like shopping for Loralei b/c I think I feel deep down I just don't want to give her anything b/c of the year I've had with her. I know that sounds mean but when you get as tired and stressed out as I have with her you would probably feel the same way. Those of you that have talked with me during my times like that you soo know what I'm talking about. I want to get her some things, things that have meaning, things she needs but I just don't feel it. I'm not excited like I normally am. I'm not as excited to get our tree and pull out the deocrations and make my tree look beautiful. In all honesty I just want to go away for Christmas, just time for the 3 of us. To have time to ourselves. I feel like we're constantly doing stuff or Kenny is constantly working that we don't have time as a family. I just want a normal Christmas without stress. I want Christmas to feel like Christmas.

UGH with myself.

So I'm just going to ramble b/c I have so much going on in my head. I don't even know what to talk about. I don't have some story. I'm frustrated (mostly with myself), I'm annoyed, I'm vulnerable. I'm just UGH, oh and did I mention I'm going on like no sleep in the last oh 36+ hours. I couldn't get to sleep so I was talking to a friend (thanks for talking with me :o) ) and then I tried to lay down and go to sleep but couldn't b/c well I just couldn't, so I was texting with another friend. Then we went to Orlando to see if we could get Kenny some shoes, didn't get him any but I found a pair of jeans (YAY me, I have a hard time finding clothes). But before that we ate at Chevy's, it's not bad Mexican food, it's just different than what I usually get.

Then I was searching for sunglasses. With my face and needing the glasses to be really dark it's becoming almost impossible to find sunglasses that fit me. I have been looking for like a month now and esp need them b/c the ones I have now are broken. So yeah that's what we did tonight. But I'm annoyed b/c for the past 3 days I have been off on my days, somehow I have thought or felt or whatever you want to call it that I was a day ahead, Monday for some reason I kept feeling/thinking it was actually Tues, I even said to my friend Joy, hey want to sit together at First Wed tomorrow night and I realized b/c I had looked at something that it was only Monday. You would think it would end there and I would be fine, NOPE, yesterday same thing, for some reason I thought it was Wed which is quite odd since I would have been thinking I needed to go to First Wednesday but I didn't feel like that, so that brings me to today. We're in the mall, Loralei is on one of those coin operated kiddie rides that we all use to love when we were little but they were all lame compared to now, so anyways she was on that and it dawn on me that it was Wednesday today. OMG Seriously? It was 8pm when I realized what day it was and what we were missing. So we missed First Wednesday. I am not happy with myself that I did that, I hate when I'm soo off in my head about things.

I am just annoyed and frustrated with myself that I let things slip. It's not even b/c I was tired, b/c what would explain Monday and Tues?? I wasn't that tired then. I sometimes feel like my head is soo not attached to me. That saying if my head wasn't attached I'd lose it soo applies to me. I forget things all the time, where I put them where I got them, what I need to do with them. It sucks, life sucks with a brain like mine. Then it doesn't help to have a child who doesnt' want to listen. OMG someone I am going to string her up by her toes. I feel more than what a broken record probably feels like and then some. So anyways, there's my vent and frustration blog for today at least. I just hope the rest of my week goes better b/c if not well then IDK what I'm going to do. Oh and did I mention I'm NO where ready for Christams? I haven't bought anything, we haven't decorated yet (hopefully) this weekend. I haven't even begun my shopping, though it's only a few things I still don't know what to get people especially my daughter who has EVERYTHING.

So yeah that's what I'm daeling with. I have a few ideas for others but that's a different thing for a different day. I'm thinking with how tired I am right this second that I will read this tomorrow after I've slept and just laugh at myself. Is there such thing as sleep deprived blogging you know like drunk blogging or whatever? Man if you were with me in real life talking to me, I'm sure I would make no sense at all (ok so more so than normal lol). So with that I'm going to go. Hopefully head to bed and get some much much much needed sleep.

Auntie Shannon

Okay so I think I'm the last person alive that I know who has siblings and is not an Aunt. Well that is changing or will change next June. My sister is almost 10 weeks pregnant. I'm excited for them for the their little blessing. And this finally makes me an Aunt. I'm the oldest of 6 kids so after this I will be an Aunt several times over I'm sure. Anyways, I hope that I can be a good Aunt, one that my niece or nephew will say I want to see Aunt Shannon and my sister will be glad to send her/him over lol. This will be one role I have yet to fill. I'm an "Aunt" to kids of friends but it's not the same. So a new role is awaiting me and I look forward to it. And of course I spoil any kids that I know so yeah mommy and daddy better watch out lol I have pictures of him/her but I want to get permission to put them up, once I do, I will show you my niece/nephew and how cute she/he is already lol.

My thoughts on parenting at this moment!

Being a parent is hard, probably the hardest yet most rewarding job I have ever and probably will ever have in my entire life. Right now, it sucks. Loralei is sick, I think she has food poisoning from eating shrimp yesterday. She has thrown up twice and could be dubbed a stand in for The Exorcist that's how bad it was. So I called her Dr and they told me to take her to the ER. Yeah the old saying Easier said than done has come into play.

She is terrified, not of the hospital, not of the Drs but that she will have to get a shot. Last time we went to the Drs we had to hold her down for a shot in the butt. It took me, a nurse that is my size but a little taller and one other nurse to give her the shot and that was still hard. The whole time she was screaming don't touch me, you're the worst mother ever, I don't like you, I hate you. Don't ever touch me again. All the while staring in my eyes with a begging and a pleading look I have never seen. It looked as if she felt like I violated her and I feel like I did. I violated that trust that a mother and child has, that protection that comfort, that I will keep all harm from you. To her she didn't see that I was trying to protect her and keep her from harm and I know that I was doing what was best but it doesn't make it any easier to remember or think about, esp when you're having to reason with your child that they need to go to the ER.

A piece of me that day changed, a piece that is forever changed. I don't know how to explain it but I changed a little bit b/c of that day with her. I will never be able to go back to the way I was before having to restrain my child to allow someone to give her a shot, it went against everything in me to do that and I don't know that I could ever do it again. I also realized that day that in so many ways even though I am married and her daddy is very much involved that b/c of his work schedule, I am very much in many many ways a single mom. When it comes to things like this, to where I need to take her to the ER while he is at work I feel like a single mom. When I'm having to take care of her for 90% of the time, I feel like a single mom. Yes I have some help when I need it from him, but so do single moms, just in different ways. The one thing I have that they don't is I have the support of her father and my husband. Other than that in all the other ways I'm a single mom, I make all the decisons that concern her, I'm her disciplinarian 90% of the time, I take care of her 90% of the time, all on my own, with no one to help. I am the one that is always there when she gets an owie, or something good happens. I am not complaining,just realizing that this is how my life is. Would I change it? Possibly, a little but it's what I know and all I know, so I'm fine with it most days, just not when she's sick and there's a possiblity that I will have to hold her down for a shot or worse for them to take blood from her (hopefully they don't have to do that).

Anyways that's it. I'm done. I'm heading off to take her to the ER b/c she is such a good little girl and realized she needs to go. I just hope that they don't have to give her a shot or take blood or do an IV b/c then OMG I will lose it.

Lucky 7

Lucky 7 Tag

My first tag on a blog, Thanks Jen!

7 things I can do...
1- Sew
2- Write
3- Find a logical reason to buy Loralei new clothes.
4- Make people laugh.
5- Cook.
6- Text while driving. (I didn't say it was a good idea!)
7- stay up all night and still function somewhat the next day

7 things I can't do...
1- Crochet/Knit
2- Lie to certain people in my life.
3- Pay full price for most things I buy, it just goes against everything in my nature.
4- move and use my body the way I use to 10 years ago (if I do Im paying for it the next day)
5- remember things, yeah I have a horrible memory.
6- listen to horrible horrible music
7- Change the past.

7 things I always say...
1- Seriously
2- Really?
3- Where are my keys?
4- Stupid idiot drivers who don't know how to freaking drive get out of the way!
5- Loralei stop screaming/squealing/being loud/throwing a fit
6- Hold on a sec/In a min (usually to a very impatient Loralei)
7- OMG You have got to be kidding me

7 things I always eat...
1- Cheese
2- Italian Food
3- Doritos (cheese and cooler ranch)
4- BREAD
5- Ham
6- Chicken
7- something sweet

7 people I tag...
1-Rachel
2-Lesslie
3-Amanda J
4-Josh
5- Amanda G
6- Denis
7-Ali

Fear

I never really truly knew what I was fearful of growing up. I mean yeah I was afraid of snakes and spiders and things like that, but to me that wasn't fear, not deep down fear. I was afraid of losing my mom or dad and not sure what would happen if he died when I was younger, would I have to take care of my siblings, I even had a whole plan for if it ever came down to that, but it wasn't fear to me, it was just being afraid. Some people think they are the same and I agree they are for the most part. But in my mind fear and being afraid are somewhat different. Fear is a deep down feeling, something that you can't get over, something that just doesn't go away with a tiny bit of trying. I have a few fears, ones that I've always had but never really realized and then some that happened b/c of changes in my life.

My first fear that I realized I had would be when I met my husband. I am soo fearful to lose him, I really don't know what would happen if something were to happen to him to take him away from me. I don't know that I could go on to love someone else, I don't know that I could ever feel loved by someone like I do him. Besides Christ, he is my rock, my everything, he has been through so much with me, both mentally,physically and emotionally. He is my best friend, the one I go to to talk no matter what. He knows me better than anyone else on this earth. My wants, my needs, my desires. Even if he doesn't want to hear something b/c it's mundane, he listens and just gives me that smile or laughs at me. I have literally cried thinking about it and even now I feel the fear just writing about it. It fills my whole body and I hate it. I hate that I even have to think about it, but I do b/c I have to be prepared for whatever might come. I hope it doesn't come soon, if it does, I'm sure I can face this fear, but I don't want to, in the meantime, I'll stay in denial over it. May not be the healthiest way but it's working so far.

My second deepest fear that I realized and is the biggest fear of any that I have is the fear of something horrible happening to Loralei. To some I come across as overprotective, as smothering etc... I'm not no matter what anyone says. Time and time again I have had it proven to me that how I am with her is very justified. I have had my fear reaffirmed over and over that something horrible can happen and I know that if it does, I will be lost. Yes I know Christ is there for me, but I know and can see and can feel how I will be if something ever happened to her. I could not deal with losing her. It scares me to no end and is something that is constantly on my mind and part of my reason for not getting sleep. I feel like I need to be able to keep an eye out on her b/c something could happen. That is irrational somewhat but it's hard to change what your mind thinks and has thought for 5+years. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I already was protective. I think part of it comes from being the oldest of so many siblings and how we grew up, the type of home we grew up in. I made a promise that she would not grow up in the lifestlye and home that I did. That will not happen to her. She will get what she deserves and nothing less. I will do what I have to to keep my child safe and happy and here with me, if that's called being overprotective then so be it. I'm overprotective and I'm proud of it, but I will never regret it b/c I will have my child with me and I will be enjoying every minute with her that I have.

My third fear and this is a deep one and one I need to work on and have been working on and most likely will continue to work on is rejection. This is a fear I have had for as long as I can remember but didn't know about it till I got older. I know that sounds odd but I never thought I had any fears like this so if you don't think you have any fears like this, then it's hard to recognize that you do, did that make sense? lol I am deeply fearful of rejection of any kind. It doesn't matter what it is. Affection, attention, anything that I can be rejected for I fear it. For the most part I come across as confident (well at least I think I do) and put together, well at least at first to others, maybe not to those who truly know me deep down. I am not sure how to totally get rid of it, I want to, I hate fearing rejection b/c then it brings on anxiety and a whole mess of other feelings. It's my biggest downfall I think I have about me. It's made relationships I've had and have difficult sometimes, it makes it hard for me to take what someone says as truth when it concerns me, not that I think that they are lying really, but that anything good is hard to hear and believe. I think I know where it all started, actually Im pretty sure I know where it all started and I wish that it never happened, but at the same time, the things that created this fear have helped to make me who I am today. I fear if someone doesn't say hi to me, if someone ignores me, if someone forgets about me or says something that seems like it's mean. I have a hard time sometimes with what others say and have to overanalyze to make sure that it's not them rejecting me. I sometimes take innocent things or innocent sarcasm as some sort of rejection. It doesn't help that I have been rejected many many times and not in minor ways. I fear my friends and loved ones will reject me and some might and I have to learn to be ok with that. I have to learn that everyone isn't going to like me deep down and learn to live with it.

And my last fear is that I am not going to be the mother that I need to be for my daughter. I fear everyday that I may somehow not do what I need to do, that I haven't done what I needed to do. I know I'm a good mom, but am I the best mom for her. With all that we are going through with her, I fear that I am not doing what all I can, that I'm some how making things worse. I fear that I may be to late to help her. I fear that my parenting is not what is best for her. I am soo feraful that her life is not at it's best and that I can and could do better. I know this is a fear that all moms have but it is one that does consume me sometimes. I strive to be the best I can be and I know that's all I can do, but it still doesn't take my fear away. I don't want her to grow up and have something to say about how I raised her and that I could have done better. I am soo fearful that one day she wishes that I was not her mother and mean it and that I was not a good mother to her. I know where this stems from, but I can't help it. I don't want to be that mother to her, she deserves better than that.

So I have laid out my fears, ha that was a very fearful thing for me to do. I just put so much of me out there and I feel wow, not even sure how I feel. I'm nervous and I'm scared but it is what it is. It's part of me, it's who I am and it's part of what drives me.

Just some stuff!

So I have this bad bad habit of writing something and then editing it. On boards that I'm on, I will write something post it then go back almost immediately and just erase the whole thing. When I write something out, very rarely do I not edit the heck out of it. A friend of mine noticed this and I didn't realize that it was that evident. Why am I saying this? Hmm b/c I just wrote 3 different things and got frustrated and just erased all of them and am now writing this instead. My problem is, I have so much that goes through my head I loose my focus and my flow isn't right and it frustrates me and I just get rid of it. It's easier for me to do that than to try to go back and make it work. Lazy? Maybe.I think it's more a personality trait thing as well as me being a perfectionist and OCD lol. I am going to try not to do that b/c I do have things to say, I know that some of it is good, some of it is EH ok, and some will be quite boring to some but that's ok, b/c it's all mine and that's all that matters.

I soo want to make this blog work for me, I just dont' know how, I don't know how to put myself out there for soo many people. There are about 7 people in my life who I bare my whole self too, my husband is included. The other people know who they are and I'm thankful for them b/c it helps keep me honest with myself, especially when they ask questions. I get questions sometimes about me, or about my thoughts or about my beliefs and about who I am in general. I love these people b/c I don't have to hide who I am, I don't have masks or walls to hide behind, like I do with some people, like I use to do all the time. A good friend once gave me that whole metaphor. That I use to hide behind walls and layers of masks to keep people from seeing the real me, to keep from getting hurt, to keep myself safe. This is a wall I'm taking down, or a mask however you want to look at it. I want to be vulnerable, I want to be out there, I want to face my fears and face who I am. I was talking to another friend who I have a lot in common with, I wish we could have been closer before now, but God has brought us together now and that's all that matters. We have a similar past and even a similiar present. This friend has helped me through so much and I'm thankful for that person. That person too is still finding who they are, finding where they belong in this world. I have learned a lot about myself from these friends and I know I will continue to.

I have the best relationships that I could ask for, some are usual, some are well unique, at least for me, some are definitely out of the ordinary to say the least and some I never thought I would have. Good or bad I am thankful for all the relationships that I have had in my life, no matter how stressful, how exciting or how brief. Everyone that I have had in my life has somehow made an impact on my life. I hope that I too have done the same but I'm not so sure that is the case. I hope that using this blog I will be able to find out more about myself, maybe through self exploration, through others like I have been and through getting my thoughts out and seeing them in writing. I can't lie to myself if I'm putting it out there for others to see, b/c I don't like lying to others so this will keep me more honest with me. As I tend to lie to myself more than I do anyone else. SO here's to being vulnerable and open and bare for all to see.

So that's it for now. I'm having a hard time focusing with so much going on right this second. I will come back I'm sure sometime today or later tonight and write more. You'll get so sick of me lol.

Hmmm

So I'm going to attempt to put my thoughts down. I have so many that run through my head. This isn't a journal per say but a place for my ramblings in my head. Not really sure that people will want to read this but it's mostly for me. So anyways, this is my attempt at blogging about me. I'm scared. I'm scared to put myself out there for others so in a way this is also a challenge to myself. To be more open than I am, I thought I was open but writing this and knowing that others will eventually at some point in time read it, is scaring me. I've got butterflies in my stomach as I'm writing this just thinking about it.

My problem is I can visualize things really easily. Say something and I can visualize it to the T, I can describe it for you. A friend of mine once told me that I make her hungry or want something just by how I'm able to describe something lol. It helped when I needed it to to make money so I'm not gonna complain. I am giving a warning for those of you who attempt to read what I write, if you don't know me already, I jump from subject to subject. This is my head, this is how things in my head are. So if you get confused or a headache and want to stop reading I totally understand and there are no hard feelings.

I will write about things that happen to me personally or random thoughts that I have. Feel free to discuss with me anything that I write. I have no issues with people questioning me on my thoughts. I actually welcome it, it helps me to figure things out sometimes. Also any questions you want to discuss with me, feel free to ask. So anyways, that's it for now. I hope I can keep this up, it might just help me with what goes on inside this crazy head of mine, or it might just open up Pandora's box, then I'm in trouble.