Just some stuff!

So I have this bad bad habit of writing something and then editing it. On boards that I'm on, I will write something post it then go back almost immediately and just erase the whole thing. When I write something out, very rarely do I not edit the heck out of it. A friend of mine noticed this and I didn't realize that it was that evident. Why am I saying this? Hmm b/c I just wrote 3 different things and got frustrated and just erased all of them and am now writing this instead. My problem is, I have so much that goes through my head I loose my focus and my flow isn't right and it frustrates me and I just get rid of it. It's easier for me to do that than to try to go back and make it work. Lazy? Maybe.I think it's more a personality trait thing as well as me being a perfectionist and OCD lol. I am going to try not to do that b/c I do have things to say, I know that some of it is good, some of it is EH ok, and some will be quite boring to some but that's ok, b/c it's all mine and that's all that matters.

I soo want to make this blog work for me, I just dont' know how, I don't know how to put myself out there for soo many people. There are about 7 people in my life who I bare my whole self too, my husband is included. The other people know who they are and I'm thankful for them b/c it helps keep me honest with myself, especially when they ask questions. I get questions sometimes about me, or about my thoughts or about my beliefs and about who I am in general. I love these people b/c I don't have to hide who I am, I don't have masks or walls to hide behind, like I do with some people, like I use to do all the time. A good friend once gave me that whole metaphor. That I use to hide behind walls and layers of masks to keep people from seeing the real me, to keep from getting hurt, to keep myself safe. This is a wall I'm taking down, or a mask however you want to look at it. I want to be vulnerable, I want to be out there, I want to face my fears and face who I am. I was talking to another friend who I have a lot in common with, I wish we could have been closer before now, but God has brought us together now and that's all that matters. We have a similar past and even a similiar present. This friend has helped me through so much and I'm thankful for that person. That person too is still finding who they are, finding where they belong in this world. I have learned a lot about myself from these friends and I know I will continue to.

I have the best relationships that I could ask for, some are usual, some are well unique, at least for me, some are definitely out of the ordinary to say the least and some I never thought I would have. Good or bad I am thankful for all the relationships that I have had in my life, no matter how stressful, how exciting or how brief. Everyone that I have had in my life has somehow made an impact on my life. I hope that I too have done the same but I'm not so sure that is the case. I hope that using this blog I will be able to find out more about myself, maybe through self exploration, through others like I have been and through getting my thoughts out and seeing them in writing. I can't lie to myself if I'm putting it out there for others to see, b/c I don't like lying to others so this will keep me more honest with me. As I tend to lie to myself more than I do anyone else. SO here's to being vulnerable and open and bare for all to see.

So that's it for now. I'm having a hard time focusing with so much going on right this second. I will come back I'm sure sometime today or later tonight and write more. You'll get so sick of me lol.