My thoughts on parenting at this moment!

Being a parent is hard, probably the hardest yet most rewarding job I have ever and probably will ever have in my entire life. Right now, it sucks. Loralei is sick, I think she has food poisoning from eating shrimp yesterday. She has thrown up twice and could be dubbed a stand in for The Exorcist that's how bad it was. So I called her Dr and they told me to take her to the ER. Yeah the old saying Easier said than done has come into play.

She is terrified, not of the hospital, not of the Drs but that she will have to get a shot. Last time we went to the Drs we had to hold her down for a shot in the butt. It took me, a nurse that is my size but a little taller and one other nurse to give her the shot and that was still hard. The whole time she was screaming don't touch me, you're the worst mother ever, I don't like you, I hate you. Don't ever touch me again. All the while staring in my eyes with a begging and a pleading look I have never seen. It looked as if she felt like I violated her and I feel like I did. I violated that trust that a mother and child has, that protection that comfort, that I will keep all harm from you. To her she didn't see that I was trying to protect her and keep her from harm and I know that I was doing what was best but it doesn't make it any easier to remember or think about, esp when you're having to reason with your child that they need to go to the ER.

A piece of me that day changed, a piece that is forever changed. I don't know how to explain it but I changed a little bit b/c of that day with her. I will never be able to go back to the way I was before having to restrain my child to allow someone to give her a shot, it went against everything in me to do that and I don't know that I could ever do it again. I also realized that day that in so many ways even though I am married and her daddy is very much involved that b/c of his work schedule, I am very much in many many ways a single mom. When it comes to things like this, to where I need to take her to the ER while he is at work I feel like a single mom. When I'm having to take care of her for 90% of the time, I feel like a single mom. Yes I have some help when I need it from him, but so do single moms, just in different ways. The one thing I have that they don't is I have the support of her father and my husband. Other than that in all the other ways I'm a single mom, I make all the decisons that concern her, I'm her disciplinarian 90% of the time, I take care of her 90% of the time, all on my own, with no one to help. I am the one that is always there when she gets an owie, or something good happens. I am not complaining,just realizing that this is how my life is. Would I change it? Possibly, a little but it's what I know and all I know, so I'm fine with it most days, just not when she's sick and there's a possiblity that I will have to hold her down for a shot or worse for them to take blood from her (hopefully they don't have to do that).

Anyways that's it. I'm done. I'm heading off to take her to the ER b/c she is such a good little girl and realized she needs to go. I just hope that they don't have to give her a shot or take blood or do an IV b/c then OMG I will lose it.