FEAR

It's almost 6am here on the East Coast. I am up, this is not an unusual thing for me. However, it is something that I can remedy, yet I can't at the same time.

Usually I'm really really good about taking meds, taking them on time, staying away from what I need to stay away from ie: alcohol, not driving when I've just taken them if it says not to etc..., well I mentioned the other day the Dr gave me Ambien finally b/c I can't sleep and also Zoloft. Well the Zoloft is awesome, it's helped tons. The Ambien as well. I actually got some much needed sleep the first and only night I took it. So why haven't I taken it since? I thought it was just b/c I kept forgetting, I kept getting sidetracked, till tonight when I was sitting here and heard a car horn beep a couple of times.

You see the other day, the night actually that I first took the Ambien and went to sleep around 11 or so someone broke into our car and stole something very trivial but also something that we need for the car. Anyways, usually I'm up all night and don't go to sleep. I know it's b/c I worry etc... on top of my insomnia (which I think I have come to the conclusion, started b/c of stress and worrying and it's just gotten worse over the years, esp with the birth of my daughter). Well I realized tonight, that the reason I haven't taken it is b/c I'm worried WAY worried about someone breaking into our car again. I didn't realize that deep down, I feel violated, they broke into our personal space, touched what I touch everyday could have touched my other personal belongings etc... So now I realized, my brain subconsciously has not allowed me to take it b/c I'm so worried.

I realized this b/c of those car horns (they turned out to be someone just setting their car alarm) b/c I kept getting up each time I heard them and my anxiety went way through the roof each time and I jumped up and went and looked out our peep hole to see if I could see anyone. So now I'm worried and worrying and it sucks. I hope that the Zoloft will help me not worry but who knows. I am not sure when I will take the Ambien again, probably not till I feel safe. We don't live in a high crime area and this is the first time according to our landlord in 20 years that anyone has done anything like that. I know that our car was targeted b/c of what they took, which was the panel for controlling the windows and locks on the drivers side door. But it doesn't lessen the fear and the worrying anymore knowing that. So until I get over it, guess it's late nights for me again. Which sucks b/c I was thoroughly enjoying sleep. Oh and I hate fear, just to let ya know.

Craziness here!

Ok so I'm still sick, turns out I have bronchitis, YAY me (claps hands and this is all done in London Tipton style lol). So I'm all hopped up on drugs YAY me again lol The best is when I have withdrawls everyday, about 14 hours after taking my cough medicine. Yeah my body has decided it likes to do the extremes and so when my body doesn't have the lovely wonderful hydrocodone in it, it wants to start shaking and making me feel just wonderfully sick. The coughing is still here but it's getting better. I finally found a good Dr, so those that yell at me about going to the Dr can now stop, I will be going to the Dr like a good little girl when something is wrong. Loralei is still sick, the blood tests for Pertussis came back negative. So we'll see what happnes after her meds are all done which should be today, yeah today is the 10th day of antibiotics for her. She'll be happy about that. So life has been crazy with just the two of us being sick. So you would think that was enough right? WRONG!!!

Kenny is going in in exactly 5.5 hours from now to have minor surgery, I'll spare you the details but yeah so he'll be recouping from that for the next few days and I should really be in bed b/c we have to leave here at 6am which means we have to be up at 5:30am. I'm going to be dead dead dead. Oh well, life will go on, not like I haven't survived on less sleep. So anyways, that's it for now, I have more stuff but I'm going to attempt to go to sleep and get at least a couple hours. I will update you on his surgery later on when we get home. Oh and I have some news about a friends son, my Godson and she needs all the prayers and thoughts she can get. That will come later on though.

Being a Parent and making decisions

It sucks sometimes. It sucks having to make decisions on things that you aren't sure about. Like last night, I was trying to figure out if I should take Loralei to the ER or not b/c her cough just doesn't want to go away and it seems to be getting worse. So I took her stripped both of us down and turned the water to as hot as we both could stand (more as hot as she can stand) and sat in the tub with the shower to create steam. I do this for me with my sinus issues. Well it worked, poor thing was soo exhausted. She had been trying to go to sleep and just couldnt' b/c everytime she laid down she started coughing, she fell asleep sitting up against me. She was soo peaceful looking. But then I started losing feeling in my arm and couldn't stand to be in there anymore so I knocked on the wall for K to help me and he was out, THANKS HONEY!!!! So I ended up having her wake up b/c there is no way I could lift her out of the tub anymore. So she went to bed, sleeping in my bed up against all of my pillows and she has been sleeping since. I could probably go to bed but I don't want to wake her up.

I will however need to get some sleep since I'm taking her to the Dr today. I need to get this taken care of. Treatments aren't working and she can't keep going on like this. It's been over a week and nothing is working. She has never had an issue with her asthma like this before and it worries me, maybe it's not her asthma (I'm praying it's not) and it's something else, but she says her chest feels tight and then when she lays down she starts coughing, I think it is. So if you pray, please lift Loralei up in prayer today and that it's nothing serious and just something that we can change or do differently or meds can help. I should be thankful b/c she's basically been asthmatic since she was born and this is the worst we've had besides last year when we got into the car accident and she almost had croup, but that cleared up in 3 days. I hate going to the Drs it just sucks. Being a parent is hard. Making the decisions for someone else is not always fun. Sometimes I wish I had a magic 8 ball that could just tell me what to do and I wouldn't have to second guess myself or my decision. I do have a magic 8 ball and I listened to Him last night that's why she is now sleeping in my bed and we're not at the ER. Ok I think I might try to snuggle up to her without interrupting her sleep.