FEAR

It's almost 6am here on the East Coast. I am up, this is not an unusual thing for me. However, it is something that I can remedy, yet I can't at the same time.

Usually I'm really really good about taking meds, taking them on time, staying away from what I need to stay away from ie: alcohol, not driving when I've just taken them if it says not to etc..., well I mentioned the other day the Dr gave me Ambien finally b/c I can't sleep and also Zoloft. Well the Zoloft is awesome, it's helped tons. The Ambien as well. I actually got some much needed sleep the first and only night I took it. So why haven't I taken it since? I thought it was just b/c I kept forgetting, I kept getting sidetracked, till tonight when I was sitting here and heard a car horn beep a couple of times.

You see the other day, the night actually that I first took the Ambien and went to sleep around 11 or so someone broke into our car and stole something very trivial but also something that we need for the car. Anyways, usually I'm up all night and don't go to sleep. I know it's b/c I worry etc... on top of my insomnia (which I think I have come to the conclusion, started b/c of stress and worrying and it's just gotten worse over the years, esp with the birth of my daughter). Well I realized tonight, that the reason I haven't taken it is b/c I'm worried WAY worried about someone breaking into our car again. I didn't realize that deep down, I feel violated, they broke into our personal space, touched what I touch everyday could have touched my other personal belongings etc... So now I realized, my brain subconsciously has not allowed me to take it b/c I'm so worried.

I realized this b/c of those car horns (they turned out to be someone just setting their car alarm) b/c I kept getting up each time I heard them and my anxiety went way through the roof each time and I jumped up and went and looked out our peep hole to see if I could see anyone. So now I'm worried and worrying and it sucks. I hope that the Zoloft will help me not worry but who knows. I am not sure when I will take the Ambien again, probably not till I feel safe. We don't live in a high crime area and this is the first time according to our landlord in 20 years that anyone has done anything like that. I know that our car was targeted b/c of what they took, which was the panel for controlling the windows and locks on the drivers side door. But it doesn't lessen the fear and the worrying anymore knowing that. So until I get over it, guess it's late nights for me again. Which sucks b/c I was thoroughly enjoying sleep. Oh and I hate fear, just to let ya know.

Update on L

So I took her to the Dr. they had me get her sinuses x rayed and they are clear. What does that mean? It means that she doesn't have a sinus infection. However he wants or the nurse wants to put her on a week of antibiotics (if any bacteria are still alive after this week I'm gonna be shocked) and for us to come back next week to see him. I'm so over going to Drs. It's annoying. So keep your fingers crossed or pray that this helps and her cough is gone. I'm tired of telling people what she is on and what she is doing and blah blah blah. So lets recap. We're going on week 4 of her having this darn cough. It's gotten better but not completely and with all that she has done, it should be gone. She's been doing her breathing treatments 4 times a day minimum. She's been on steroids and an antibiotic and now she has a cough syrup with codeine and she's gonna be on another antibiotic. Seriously that's alot of meds in 3 weeks time in my opinion. So I hope we can get it taken care of.

As for other news, some of you know that I believe without a shadow of a doubt that L is bipolar. Well I talked to her Dr and he gave me names of pediatric psychatrist that will work with kids her age. I'm so over hearing we wont' touch a child till they are 8. I can't wait 3 more years for her to get help. It's gotten bad. I haven't really told many of you but it's gotten really violent. Wed night after church was the worst. K has got the scars or I should say scratch to prove it. I've got the bruise from her biting me and luckily she's got nothing from her almost jumping out of my arms and hitting her head on the concrete sidewalk as I was carrying her out the door. She needs help, I can't do it anymore I'm done with trying. Its beyond any kind of behavioral modification. She needs some serious help. So I'm going to get that for her, if she's not bipolar then we'll find out what is going on at least. We will/should have an appointment in Feb b/c they aren't taking new patients till then. So keep your fingers crossed and pray for us to get in there as soon as possible.