Writing

I'm writing again. OMG I'M WRITING AGAIN. Wow it's so odd to see that to admit it outloud (ok out loud on here). I know I'm not so witty on here and all that good but I am pretty good at writing. I use to write when I was younger, in high school. It was a way for me to have an outlet for what was going on in my life, to get my feelings out, to express what was going on without someone mocking me or telling me I was wrong or getting into an argument. It was mostly poetry or short snippets here and there of whatever but I did it, I miss it. It's been about 13 years since I've written, that's a long damn time to go without writing when you use to do it all the time, when you had notebooks filled with stuff.

I have decided to write again, I need to, I have so much up in my head I need to get it down and out and out there. I need to get over myself, get over my fear of getting out what it is I want to have said, what it is I need said. So I am writing a fanfic. It's more an outlet for me to get use to writing again, to get my bearings where I need them, then I can start on my ultimate writing, a book I've had in my head for years. I just need to do it or its going to eat at me for the rest of my life and become one of those what ifs or should of did's. I don't want that. I don't want regrets or shoulda woulda coulda's in my life when I get older. So this should help, I hope it does because I don't know what else to do. I happen to have a great group of women who are very supportive, it's b/c of them that I actually decided to go ahead and do it, they encouraged me to do it. I love them so much for that, I don't think they truly will ever know how much, but I do. So here is to my new beginning of writing, to getting out my thoughts and who knows I just might start to sleep again. I hope, I need it.

ECLIPSE, enough said!

OMG I'm dying here. I can't wait. The agony is too much. Tomorrow needs to come. I need to be at the theater, waiting in my seat, 12:01 showing on the clock and the movie to start. I've been dying for this movie. Ever since I've read the series I've wanted to see Eclipse in movie form. It's my favorite book out of the series.

My plans are to go with an old friend of mine. We're going to grab something to eat and then head to the theater to be there at about 9 or so. We'll play my New Moon game I have and I might take my cards from my Twilight game (darn them for not coming out with Eclipse cards yet lol). I love going to the midnight premiere. I have gone for both Twilight and New Moon and it has been amazing. I'm dying to see The Precious (for those who don't know who that is, it's none other than ROBERT PATTINSON) on the big screen. I will also be seeing him in IMAX with hubby and daughter so I'm pumped. Oh I can't wait, my body is all tingly with excitement. I'm pumped and raring to go. I need this I need to see Edward on the screen in all his glory, being the Edward he is in Eclipse. I don't think I've ever had an obsession quite like this before in my life. This has been going on for over 2 years now so it's not just a passing phase lol

Oh and it doesn't help that I've been reading some awesome fanfic. It just makes me want to see Eclipse even more.

So what are you doing? What are your plans?

FEAR

It's almost 6am here on the East Coast. I am up, this is not an unusual thing for me. However, it is something that I can remedy, yet I can't at the same time.

Usually I'm really really good about taking meds, taking them on time, staying away from what I need to stay away from ie: alcohol, not driving when I've just taken them if it says not to etc..., well I mentioned the other day the Dr gave me Ambien finally b/c I can't sleep and also Zoloft. Well the Zoloft is awesome, it's helped tons. The Ambien as well. I actually got some much needed sleep the first and only night I took it. So why haven't I taken it since? I thought it was just b/c I kept forgetting, I kept getting sidetracked, till tonight when I was sitting here and heard a car horn beep a couple of times.

You see the other day, the night actually that I first took the Ambien and went to sleep around 11 or so someone broke into our car and stole something very trivial but also something that we need for the car. Anyways, usually I'm up all night and don't go to sleep. I know it's b/c I worry etc... on top of my insomnia (which I think I have come to the conclusion, started b/c of stress and worrying and it's just gotten worse over the years, esp with the birth of my daughter). Well I realized tonight, that the reason I haven't taken it is b/c I'm worried WAY worried about someone breaking into our car again. I didn't realize that deep down, I feel violated, they broke into our personal space, touched what I touch everyday could have touched my other personal belongings etc... So now I realized, my brain subconsciously has not allowed me to take it b/c I'm so worried.

I realized this b/c of those car horns (they turned out to be someone just setting their car alarm) b/c I kept getting up each time I heard them and my anxiety went way through the roof each time and I jumped up and went and looked out our peep hole to see if I could see anyone. So now I'm worried and worrying and it sucks. I hope that the Zoloft will help me not worry but who knows. I am not sure when I will take the Ambien again, probably not till I feel safe. We don't live in a high crime area and this is the first time according to our landlord in 20 years that anyone has done anything like that. I know that our car was targeted b/c of what they took, which was the panel for controlling the windows and locks on the drivers side door. But it doesn't lessen the fear and the worrying anymore knowing that. So until I get over it, guess it's late nights for me again. Which sucks b/c I was thoroughly enjoying sleep. Oh and I hate fear, just to let ya know.

My Journey to make myself better!

I'm not really crazy (but then again that depends all on who you ask lol), but I feel like it. I went to the Dr today, I haven't seen a Dr in oh I don't know,2 years? Anyways, so I guess that stress in my life is seen on the outside more than I knew b/c she asked me about being stressed, does my face really show that I'm stressed? I know I have seen people, esp women who are stressed out and it totally shows in their face, they look like they've been put through hell and back, but I don't see that when I look in the mirror. Sure I have dark, well almost black under my eyes, they're not circles it's totally my whole under eye and my eye lids too. I don't sleep, but I haven't slept good for the last 14 years so that's nothing new. But I didn't think I showed stress outwardly until today. Going to a Dr you've never seen and have her ask you if you have a lot of stress in your life is kind of a wake up to how you are being perceived. Yes I have a lot of stress, I have a stressful family to start off with, then I have a child who is bipolar as well as a husband who is bipolar, money is really really tight, life is hard right now, but I thought outwardly I was handling it ok, inwardly, I know I wasn't, I feel soo insane inside but I'm use to it.

So she was talking to me and I was telling her somethings I wanted to deal with that I've put off. I'm going to get my hearing checked b/c not many of you know, but I have always had a hard time hearing. When I was like 20 or 21 I went to one of those hearing aid places and they told me then that I had the hearing of a 60 year old, that's not good. So I'm finally gonna see about getting my hearing checked, see what's going on there. We talked about my migraines and I asked her about the meds, turns out I can't take any of the migraine meds out there b/c i'm allergic to what's in them, so she gave me a strong script for Naproxen.

Then we talked more about me being stressed and she gave me a script for Zoloft. I've know people to be on it, the side effects are minor but the supposed outcome is a happier, calmer, less stressed me. What is that like? I don't know, I've only known stress my whole life. I am taking this step b/c I want to have a better quality of life, I want to be happy more than I am, I want to feel the weight from my shoulders and my chest lifted and be able to breath. For those who don't know what it's like, I am soo jealous of you. To not be worried 100% of the time you're awake and even dream about it, to have it control your life to the point of destroying you physically and mentally and emotionally. So we will see where it goes. She said it should help with the migraines as well, here's to hoping, b/c as much as I like soda, drinking it as much as I have had to, has sucked.

Oh and I finally bit the bullet and asked for some sleep meds, I'm taking Ambien. Let's see how it works with my insomnia. Hopefully it helps a lot and I Get some restful sleep, much much needed restful sleep. If i can get sleep then I can have energy to get up in the mornings and workout and then start on my way to getting where I want to be physically. :D I am going to go as I took half an Ambien before I started this and I'm feeling it, so it's working so far.

Thong Thong Thong Thong

Thongs. What can I say. They are comfy, they're great for no panty lines, but they belong UNDER your clothes. No one should wear a thong outside of their clothes and by that I mean, NO THONG BIKINI'S.

I live in FL as most of you know and yesterday was Memorial Day so we went to the Beach down in Sarasota, Turtle Beach to be exact, it was beautiful, not a cloud in the sky over the water, the water was the perfect temp it was just the perfect day for the beach. The sand was less desirable but that's ok, it was still fun.

Then I was looking at the shore and this woman walks out of the water and she's wearing a THONG. She wasn't in her 20's or 30's, she was in her late 40's if not older and her butt was NOT attractive. Sorry but that's just a no no esp at a beach with TONS of kids, a beach that is known to be more family friendly than party friendly.

Now I will give it to her, she was European or something (I heard her and her man speaking and it wasn't English and... he was wearing a speedo, I happen to notice he had put on a regular suit over his speedos THANK GOD) Speedos is a whole other blog post lol SO yeah sorry but I don't think bathing suits belong on someone who is not HOT and at a family friendly beach.

I'm not a prude, but I do know that here in America, that kids just aren't use to that and some parents just don't want their child exposed to some woman's butt, plus think of the poor kids getting scarred from seeing a butt that isn't attractive lol Nightmares for that poor kid. If it's burned into my head (sucks I'm allergic to bleach b/c I soo could use it right now to get that image out of my head) just imagine what a kid has going in theirs lol

Finding my Voice

You know when you read someone's blog, there's this "voice", the way that they write their blog. You can get a sense of who they are in a way or at least who they are letting you know who they are. I'm trying to find that. I have A LOT to say. I'm a talkative person, I can usually fill up pages upon pages of stuff talking. I talk about political stuff, books, movies, my big obsessions etc.. Yet for some odd reason I have YET to find my voice. I want my voice, I just don't know how to do that. I am going to try to find it. I'm going to be on a journey to find it. I will be posting anything and everything that I can think of when I think of it and eventually it will come to me I think. But I must prepare you, you'll probably yawn more than anything, you may end up scratching your head going HUH?, you will more than likely roll your eyes and go seriously Dude get a life, or you may laugh like crazy. Originally I started this just for me to put whatever, which to me was well I don't know, just a place to get thoughts out. But now I want more, I want a place to talk to people. To get my thoughts and ideas out there, or my sarcasm (which you WILL without a doubt see). I will be posting about all that I have mentioned and then some. I would love some feedback if you don't mind when I write something. If you hate it or it's boring, tell me, if you like it, tell me, if you have a question you would like me to answer, ask me. I'm open. I want to see what I can do b/c I know I'm a good writer, I just have to find myself, find who I am in the blog world and I will do it, but not sure what it's going to be, which in a way is a little scary lol So please bear with me as I search for myself on here.

When did that happen?

So I was thinking recently when did I get so involved in politics? I wasn't political in HS, sure I had my views, I had my thoughts, but I couldn't be bothered with politics. Then all of a sudden BAM I am full force into politics. We're not just talking discussing it here and there, we're talking full on debating politics, policies, presidents,senators, local people, topics. When did I become such an adult involved in the affairs of the world. Now here's the thing that is funny too. I don't watch the news or read the paper so I don't get my opinions from some newscaster/talk show person or some reporter in a newspaper or magazine. I see a topic, I go and research it, find the info myself, I look at it from all sides. So it kind of annoys me when there are people who just go off of what someone else said. I see it all the time when I'm debating. The opposing opinion just spouts what they heard on TV, you can tell it's not THEIR opinion or their thought or even a fact that they looked up. I hate that, it's why so many debates die, b/c they have NOTHING to come back at me with and it sucks, but that all aside, I really would like to know when I became so political lol If anyone knows, please let me know. I really have no idea. Oh and with that said, expect some political rants from here on out lol

Ladies and whoever else is out there, I'm back, kind of :D

Ok so it's been like forever since I last posted, Oct 2009 to be somewhat exact. So where have I been? Well here but not here. You see, once Halloween hits, it's all pretty much down hill for me for being busy. Hubby's birthday is in Nov, then we have Thanksgiving, then we have Christmas and all that deals with Christmas, then NYE and then all the other holidays. I get a small break between Easter and Mothers Day and then it starts all over again. Coming from a big family there is only 2 months of the year we don't have a birthday to celebrate, March and October lol But then you have other holidays during those months so I"m busy anyways.

Soo what's happened since Oct?? Let's see, we're doing good, we've been busy but good busy. No one has been severely sick or been in the hospital. Our car is doing good. This year is turning out to be a better year than last year. School is almost over, this year went by fast. Some decisions have been made by hubby and I about careers. He's going to go back to school for engineering and I"m gonna get my masseuse license and do a traveling type thing in people's homes or at offices so that I can control my schedule.

Loralei is doing Irish Dancing. We are gearing up for the first ever Feis that her dance academy is doing. It's gonna be fun. She may even get to compete. We are having to do fund-raising for that b/c it's quite costly to do one. It will be so exciting and fun. She loves the class and is doing soo good.

Hmm lets see, We're getting ready for the summer, the heat, the rain lol We're planting stuff and I'm going to attempt to start growing my own tomatoes and gonna attempt to make my own spaghetti sauce and even try my hand at canning. Not sure how it will go but we'll see, you never know till you try. I just want to try to do some things that will be fun (I think) and save us some money in the long run, plus teach Loralei, it'll be a great way to do math with her.

Soo I think that's it for now I think. I'm sure I'll think of other stuff after I'm done writing this. But I am back I think with writing. I'm gonna change it up some and start posting more thoughts, more things that I have held back on and not said anything. Why I'm not sure, I guess I didn't want to offend anyone but this is my blog, this is for me to write about what I want and so I'm gonna do just that. I do it on Facebook, why not on here lol

Till my next blog, have a good night, good day and good time :D

Family Family Family

So I haven't written in ages and that's partially b/c I've been so busy with family.

Family can be and usually is the death of us isn't it? We get so stressed out by them. What they say, what they do. How they are. No matter if you've changed, they still try to act like you haven't and so it's a huge cycle. Then you have family members that you would rather just disown and never see again, however there's always something that binds you to them and you can't just kick them out of your life just yet. You can count the days almost down to the very second that you can say ok I'm done I wash my hands of you and walk away. You feel like you need to take a deep breath yet can't, your chest is so tight you can't get a full breath of air in b/c you're being smothered with so much crap from those around you. Those that are suppose to be there to support you, to lift you up, to guide you and love you and help you along your journey through life. You shouldn't feel like you would be better off without them in your life. That's crazy talk right?

Come on people I know I'm not the only one who has this happen. There's those that you love to death, yet when you get around them, you just want to bop them on the head or ok, I'll be honest, club them on the head till you feel better. There are those that you would not mind not seeing for a while, but don't want to get rid of them altogether, but then there are those rare ones I think that you have to see, you have to have contact and it's like pulling teeth to be around them and everyone wonders why when you go to so and so's house or see so and so you have bald spots all over lol well if they only knew right?

So yeah things have been stressful. I've wanted to hide and cry and just run away at several points. However I can't do that and won't do that, well maybe the crying part b/c you know, a really good deep cry every now and then to cleanse the soul doesn't hurt. You know what I'm talking about, the cry where it takes a box of tissues b/c of all the snot you're blowing out your nose and sopping up the tears streaming down your face like rivers. Those I think are the best cries ever and so you go and find the saddest most heart wrenching movie (we all have one, yes even you men do and you know it) and it helps to deal with those family things, where you can't normally just bust out crying lest you want to have some drama happen more than it already is.

So I leave this post to go and do my best to have a good cry. I hope all have a good weekend wherever you are and I hope that no one is having family issues right now and if you are, just know that you are NOT alone, I'm right there with you.

25 Firsts

25 Firsts

Stealing this from Sarah

"25 Firsts"

1. Who was your first prom date? Sadly, I never had a prom date. No guys liked me enough to ask me.

2. Do you still talk to your first love? hmmm this is a hard one to answer

3. What was your first alcoholic drink? Um ok if DCF had ever seen this when I was younger my dad would soo be in jail lol. He actually let me have drinks of his daiquiris when he made them

4. What was your first job? Other than babysitting, working at a gas station that a family friend owned. I was 18. But before that I had tons and tons of babysitting jobs.

5. What was your first car? A 1994 Chevy Astro. I got it free from a family that we knew through our church. Was a pretty good van, had it up until the day before we got married when it decided to die on us. I had it a good 3 years so not too bad.

6. Who was the first person to text you today? No one text me today. I haven't been texting much lately.

7. Who was the first person you thought of this morning? Loralei, it's always Loralei

8. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Little. I actually got to see her a couple years ago b/c my little sister (who is 19 years difference in age from me) had her as a teacher. Pretty cool. She actually remembered me too. Now that's a teacher lol

9. Where did you go on your first flight in a plane? I was 2 I think and it was to Wisconsin to see my grandparents.

10. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk? Nina and Dana, they were twins and no I haven't seen them since 7th grade. We didn't see each other after 1st grade, met up again in 7th, then b/c of peer pressure and crap, they decided they didn't want to be friends with me b/c I wasn't in the cool crowd.

11. Where was your first sleepover? Other than with family, I'm almost positive with Nina and Dana, we were always together.

12. Who was the first person you talked to today? Loralei

13. Whose wedding were you in for the first time? My step cousin's a long time ago, I think I was 11? I can't remember, but the dress was ugly.

14. What was the first thing you did this morning? Hmm got Loralei her inhaler and then made sausage gravy and biscuits for breakfast.

15. What was the first concert you went to? Chipmunks lol Does that count? If not then New Kids On The Block

16. First tattoo? Butterfly on inside of my left wrist, I was 28 I think

17. First piercing? Ears at 4 or 5 I think

18. First foreign country you went to? LOL Does Canada count? That's the only other country I've been to. Haven't traveled much in my life.

19. First movie you remember seeing? Follow that Bird or ET, can't remember which I saw first or was it Star Wars.I'd have to ask my Dad.

20. What state did you first live in? FLORIDA

21. Who was your first room mate? a girl named Lisa

22. When was your first detention? I think 6th grade but I forget what it was, the other time was 7th grade for supposedly cheating which I didn't do.

24. What is one thing you would learn, given the chance? Draw or paint, I have so many things I would love to draw or paint but have no talent for it.

25. Who will be the next person to post this? Hopefully all of you!

Confession #2

I can no longer watch scary/horror movies and forget the ones with blood and gore lol.

I don't know what it is, but about 7 years ago, actually maybe a little before that, whenever the first The Ring came out, after seeing that IDK, something happened and I can't watch them. Well I can watch some, as long as it's during the day and with hubby. Other than that, forget it, I'm a huge wuss. I think it's b/c I've have extremely vivid dreams and tend to dream about movies I see when I see them and I replay stuff in my mind all the time. Who knows, so I'm a big scaredy cat and can't watch scary movies lol

Confession #1

Ok so I'm thinking of doing a confession a week or whenever it hits me to do one. Like a guilty pleasure or something gross that I do or you know just something weird, and with me, you never know what might come out. So anyways, here's the first of I'm thinking many to come. Oh and feel free to post your own confessions.

Ok so even though I'm only 30, I'm seriously thinking I need depends or something. On several occassions lately, I have peed myself when I've sneezed or coughed. Yes, it's quite sad, but I do think it's not all my fault. I have a little girl who I can blame, it's all her fault, she made me do it. Seriously, when I was pregnant with her, she sat on my bladder so I think it forgot how to work without something 7 pounds sitting on it or oh hold on, wait, could it also be that I sometimes forget I have to pee and have a full bladder? Hmmm guess I'll never know will I. Anyways that's my confession for now.

Go ahead and report me

Ok so I'm going to be stepping on some toes. I've already done it on Facebook. I've got people I'm sure hiding me on there, their loss, and it's sad really.

I posted yesterday about something that happened here in Tampa, something with our Senator, Senator Kathy Castor. There was a town hall meeting and in the meeting she ended up leaving b/c people were getting loud and rowdy b/c she was basically trying to smooth everyone over about the Health Care reform, most were there to oppose it. Well she being the small person that she is, and being like the majority of the other Democrat leaders out there said that the people there who were protesting against it were not there on their own, they were part of some bigger scheme, they were part of an insurance company or drug company b/c she knows that they are against it so they got a bunch of people together and bussed them there. Not true.

Why is it is soo hard for the Democrats that approve of the health care reform to see that people are against it without calling them names or claiming something false against them? Oh and don't you just LOVE how our wonderful president has broken the law now, by asking people to report their friends,loved ones etc if they speak out against them?

People have been saying for a long time that Obama was trying to turn our country into a socialist country, Democrats/Obama supporters/ Republican haters all denied it, said that it was all a conspiracy thing and things people just were making up. Here it is 8 months into his presidency and he's already pulling a socialist act. Socialist and Communist countries are the ones that ask you to turn in your friends and your loved ones if they go against the gov't. Not democratic countries.

People, AMERICA, come on wake up and smell the coffee, Obama is trying to change our country for the worst. He's not done one single thing he's promised to do for us. He's put us in greater debt, lost more jobs, and now he's trying to make us lose our healthcare. He wants to take what we have away and not give us anything in return. He's only out for himself.

I'm seriously scared of what's going to happen in the next 3 years based on what he's done just in the 8 months he's been in office. I'm afraid to see what this country will be like when he's finished with it. I don't see a happy ending, I hope there is, but I don't see it. That is why I put all my trust and faith in God, b/c I know that He put Obama in office for a reason, some reason that as far as I can tell most other Christians are still trying to figure out and can't fathom what it could be. But there is a reason, I trust in my Savior that I will be ok, but it still doesn't make me less afraid of what our country will be like in 3 years and 4 months.

Swagbucks.com

I found out about Swagbucks.com from a blog I follow Pour Some Sugar on Me. It's really neat. You search for something and you get points/bucks and then you can take those and redeem them for stuff. How much more awesome could it be. Anyways, go check it out and let me know what you think. Oh and don't forget to check my blog down below for a challenge I've put to everyone out there.

ONE Question,Chance,Honest Answer

ONE??? Yep, well not exactly. Here's the deal, You can ask me one question and I will give you an honest answer no matter how hard it is to do or how much I don't want to for whatever reason.

Email it to me at rgumbie09@aol.com and I will answer you back asap. If you're brave you'll do the same. I dare all that read this to do it, to put yourself out there to be honest to any questions asked of you. Make sure in the title you put Blog Question so I know that it's from someone reading this and not spam.

High Anxiety

Ok so I was going to wait till later in the week to write about this but maybe writing about it will get it out and help me. Afterall that's what I started this whole thing for. To help with my thoughts and feelings.

Here goes, I'm turning 30, this coming Sunday I'm turning 30. Now you would think my anxiety would be about the age, as I have found most people don't want to leave their 20's they seem to think some weird thing is gonna happen or they're going to change into this monster that only happens when you turn 30. Who knows, I will never understand the whole thing about age. To me aging is normal,natural and beautiful. I have no qualms about getting older, I look forward to it somewhat.

No, No my anxiety is about my birthday. I try not to think about it, but it always sneaks up and slips into my thoughts. Let me just put it this way, I hate my birthday. Ever since I was little,I literally can not remember a good birthday. Something always goes wrong. One year, when I was little, actually I was 5, it started out ok, I got somewhat a surprise birthday party, my best friend at the time, her parents owned a local bar, well we went to see Follow that Bird (you know the one with Big Bird) and then went back to their bar (yes I was a 5 year old in a bar lol) while my family got things together for my party. My dad made me a Smurfette cake, you know, with those pans that you cook the cake and then decorate it, yep my dad did that and did the decorating too. I'll have to find the pic sometime. Anyways, my uncle decided to mess with the light over the table where the cake was and well the light shade came crashing down on it, destroying my cake and all the food around it. Then other years it was little things here and there but enough to make the day a bad day. Oh and one year in HS, you'll love this, we had a hurricane coming our way so everything was shut down, so we couldn't even go out eat on my birthday, now that sucked.

Growing up we didn't get big parties or anything, we were lucky to get a special meal. Which that usually consisted of our favorite meal, nothing elaborate, not that I think it should have been just explaining. Most kids have some kind of a small party, for the first 9 years of my life other than the one party when I was 5 and the other 4 before that, I didn't have a party. Then we barely had parties and if we did, I ended up doing tons of work to help get them together which meant I had to clean the whole house top to bottom and help with the food, however it was always just family, never friends as I never had any friends. We moved around so much I didn't get to make friends long enough to invite them to my parties, not to mention I don't think they would have been allowed as my mom and her husband were heavy smokers and no one wants their child around that. With my father it was a little bit better, I still didn't have friends to invite to a party, so we were given the option, the 4 of us (my sister, brother, ex step sister and myself) to go to a theme park, we had to decide as a whole where we wanted to go. Or we could have a party. If only two wanted to go and the others a party, then that's what it was.

That wasn't so bad, we would go to a park, sometime in the summer as our birthdays were in June,August and September. So we would get to go plus get either money to spend there or a present for a certain amount. I always chose the park b/c like I said I never had any friends. I eventually I was able to at 16 years old to have my first birthday party with friends. That was awesome, but yet still something happened to make it get messed up. So I tried again about 3 years later with people from my college group. That was not bad at all, probably the 2nd best out of all my birthdays. Out of now 30 birthdays, I've had from what I can remember 2 birthdays that were good.

2 years ago, on my actual birthday, we were going out to eat with my dad and a friend and my car broke down, it was raining and I had a little one in the car. On top of that, my husband decided he would try to make me think that he forgot my birthday so I didn't get a happy birthday from him till he came to pick me up while broke down.

Another year, the day before my birthday, I got pulled over and arrested falsely, yeah that one was fun. Last year other than Breaking Dawn coming out, I had massive anxiety and was stressed b/c we threw a party for my ex step sister who was going away and myself. So I was having to throw together my own party and hers as well. And I was at that point getting no sleep so it was a horrible day of me crying uncontrollably, I had to hide in my closet from Loralei b/c I didnt' want to bring her down.

So anyways, that brings me to now, my birthday now. I dont' want it to come, I don't. I just want the day to go by and nothing to happen. I want to turn 30 and that be it. Things are not better for this year so far. Things have not been great for us the last 10 months in more ways than one and part of it will affect my birthday.


Aggh ok so I took a breather and I know, I was whining up there but I need to whine, I needed to get it out. I still didn't get it all out but it's all good. I am sure this will not be a read most people will want to read but that's ok, it's not for others as much as it is for myself.

Ahh they grow soo fast.

So this week I am signing Loralei up for Girl Scouts. YAY, she is soo excited. I can't wait for her to get involved with it and have soo much fun and then camping trips YAY even better and selling oooohhh GIRL SCOUT COOKIES OMG I can't wait for those lol

Anyways, I remember the little bit of stuff from when I was in GS, I loved it, we got to go camping one time and it was awesome, no parents YAY, However, I will be very involved. Heck I was involved with my brother when he did BS, so definitely going to be very involved with Loralei doing GS. Wow, I can't beleive my little girl is going to be doing something I once did.

However I know that it's changed since I was in it (man I feel old lol) but this will be awesome for her and I can't wait to see how much she grows from it, how much she gets out of it.

So who has been a girl scout and what are your memories from it? Or if you're a guy, did you do Boy Scouts? Did you become an Eagle Scout? What were your favorite things about doing scouts guys? Oh and if you have pics of you in your uniforms that would be awesome to see

Why can't I? and laughter

Ok so I read other people's blogs and they are either deep felt, funny or just overly written well. Or you see their personality in them. Me yeah I can't seem to do that. All day or whatever I'll have tons of things i say, do or think and go oooh I should put that on my blog, then bam I get on the computer and bring up this little thingy to post and





that's what it looks like for Oh I don't know forever, till I decide to just write whatever and then it sucks, it sucks big time. Yes I started this to get thoughts out of my head but they don't seem to want to come out. UGH damn thoughts come out when I want you to.

I really am a funny person, and funny to be around. You wouldn't be able to tell by my writings on here but I am, you'll just have to take my word for it till I get to where I finally come out in my blogs. which well I wouldn't mind being anytime soon. Really I wouldn't mind it at all. I guess I need to figure out what's holding me back ,hmm that might take a while seeming as my brain isn't fully functional lately, oh well it'll happen I'm sure.


Maybe I should like have you guys give me topics and then I can either rant and rave about those or IDK, I just love writing, I love talking and if you know me in person and well on IM or on the phone then you already know that lol I use to get called Mouth of the South b/c I was always always talking and then on top of that I talk with my hands and somehow I can't talk without talking without my hands, I've tried it, my brain stops, it's like my hands are connected to my brain or my mouth or both and when I don't move my hands my brain just goes duuuhhhhhh what am I suppose to do now. Yeah anyways, so if you have a topic that you would love to see what I can do, serious or funny or neutral please please let me know. I want to do something besides post stupid mundane crap on here. I mean I know info about what's going on is good but Ugh I need to work on my writing b/c it's been ages and I miss it and I want to get better at it again. I mean after all I did take a semester of creative writing in HS and I got a B+ (I wasn't very motivated in school to actually do work all the time hence the B+ lol).

Oh and in the meantime too I'm passing on this awesome blog Barefoot Foodie that my friend Rachel passed on to another friend and we both died laughing. So go read her, go laugh your butts off and have a good day/night/whatever time it is ther while you're reading this.

So many emotions at once

Do you ever get to where you feel like 10 different emotions or what feels like 10 different emotions at once? Do you constantly have stuff running through your mind?

I do and right now it's horrible.
Though it probably doesn't help that I feel like crap.

I'm mad,annoyed, frustrated, ticked off, stressed, happy, annoyed at someone, confused, did I say frustrated oh yeah I did lol, hurt, sad, angry, and soo much more

I am annoyed by a few people, some I love dearly which sucks b/c I see them or want to see them, some I don't see often or not at all, some that I see everyday and well can't do anything about.

I'm pissed about a few things, things that have been going on for a while, things that for a long time I kept getting told was totally all in my head or I was overreacting. Now supposedly things are being seen how I have always seen them but nothing is being done.

I want to scream, I want to punch someone, I want to just go away and stay away for awhile. I want to have my own little family off in our own little world just the 3 of us. Ugh I want to be left alone yet my personality won't let me b/c I love being around people too much, communicating with people too much and well I'm nosy so that's another reason lol.

I'm hurt by those that I love b/c they choose to have others come before me others that are not family, and I'm not the only one that they are choosing to have others come before, i'm not the only family. That should help but sadly it doesn't, it makes it worse b/c it means it's getting worse with that person and how that person is.

However, with all that I'm angry,mad,pissed etc about I am happy and I'm thankful for that b/c of the reason. I have my husband and my child. They keep me somewhat sane, though some days they cause my insanity lol.

Ugh I'm gonna end this now, I'm all mixed up and this isn't helping like I thought it would.

I'm an Aunt

If you haven't already heard I'm an Aunt. Wow that is soo weird to say lol Here I am almost 30 years old and finally an Aunt. My nephew, Ethan James was born on Tuesday June 30, 2009 at 5:28 pm. My sister had quite the ordeal trying to have her little one lol. She was suppose to go into the hospital 10pm Sunday night to get the inducing process started b/c she was a week late as of the following day she was suppose to be there. Well she called the hospital and they didn't have her scheduled, they had her scheduled for TODAY lol yes today July 6th, she was due June 22 lol. So anyways, everything went as planned if not better. She was barely in labor for 12 hours when he decided to come. However he had problems breathing, which was due to swallowing some fluid when he was born. He was fine after that, then they thought he had an enlarged heart and did an x ray, well it showed it was enlarged, so they did a sono it showed it wasn't, then they did a cat scan and an ekg and both came back as him having a normal sized heart. They did figure out he had a valve that wasn't quite closed. That closed on it's own and they let him go home Friday afternoon. Then Sunday, my sister had to take him into the hospital b/c his heart was beating too fast. They had to literally stop his heart and restart it, so in a sense he died and was brought back to life by all technicalities. He is doing good now, they took him by ambulance, a special one that is basically a hospital on wheels to our childrens hospital and gave him meds. According to the Pediatric Cardiologists there they see this every couple weeks or so with new borns. Kind of scary to think that new borns have this happen so often. So anyways, if you pray please keep them in your prayers. God has really been watching out for this little boy.

I've decided my sister and I can't have normal kids, no they have to have something happen to them or have something go wrong so that they can get all kinds of extra attention lol Anyways, being an aunt is gonna be fun and cool I think. Loralei is excited. She is soo excited to have a cousin, however, Ethan coming along has prompted her to ask for a baby brother... so yeah that will be interesting to see lol as it won't be happening. She'll just have to settle for a baby cousin that's a boy, he can be like her brother lol I mean they're only almost 6 years apart so it's not too bad. I can't wait to see how she is with him, she can't wait to hold him and kiss him and touch him. She's only seen him through the glass in the nursery at the hospital. When I get pics I will post them. Oh and Kenny is finally an Uncle too, he never thought he would be one since he's an only child, but here he is, an Uncle Kenny lol.

If you are an Aunt or Uncle, post your most favorite memory with one of your nieces or nephews or the best thing about being an Aunt/Uncle to you.