Writing

I'm writing again. OMG I'M WRITING AGAIN. Wow it's so odd to see that to admit it outloud (ok out loud on here). I know I'm not so witty on here and all that good but I am pretty good at writing. I use to write when I was younger, in high school. It was a way for me to have an outlet for what was going on in my life, to get my feelings out, to express what was going on without someone mocking me or telling me I was wrong or getting into an argument. It was mostly poetry or short snippets here and there of whatever but I did it, I miss it. It's been about 13 years since I've written, that's a long damn time to go without writing when you use to do it all the time, when you had notebooks filled with stuff.

I have decided to write again, I need to, I have so much up in my head I need to get it down and out and out there. I need to get over myself, get over my fear of getting out what it is I want to have said, what it is I need said. So I am writing a fanfic. It's more an outlet for me to get use to writing again, to get my bearings where I need them, then I can start on my ultimate writing, a book I've had in my head for years. I just need to do it or its going to eat at me for the rest of my life and become one of those what ifs or should of did's. I don't want that. I don't want regrets or shoulda woulda coulda's in my life when I get older. So this should help, I hope it does because I don't know what else to do. I happen to have a great group of women who are very supportive, it's b/c of them that I actually decided to go ahead and do it, they encouraged me to do it. I love them so much for that, I don't think they truly will ever know how much, but I do. So here is to my new beginning of writing, to getting out my thoughts and who knows I just might start to sleep again. I hope, I need it.

ECLIPSE, enough said!

OMG I'm dying here. I can't wait. The agony is too much. Tomorrow needs to come. I need to be at the theater, waiting in my seat, 12:01 showing on the clock and the movie to start. I've been dying for this movie. Ever since I've read the series I've wanted to see Eclipse in movie form. It's my favorite book out of the series.

My plans are to go with an old friend of mine. We're going to grab something to eat and then head to the theater to be there at about 9 or so. We'll play my New Moon game I have and I might take my cards from my Twilight game (darn them for not coming out with Eclipse cards yet lol). I love going to the midnight premiere. I have gone for both Twilight and New Moon and it has been amazing. I'm dying to see The Precious (for those who don't know who that is, it's none other than ROBERT PATTINSON) on the big screen. I will also be seeing him in IMAX with hubby and daughter so I'm pumped. Oh I can't wait, my body is all tingly with excitement. I'm pumped and raring to go. I need this I need to see Edward on the screen in all his glory, being the Edward he is in Eclipse. I don't think I've ever had an obsession quite like this before in my life. This has been going on for over 2 years now so it's not just a passing phase lol

Oh and it doesn't help that I've been reading some awesome fanfic. It just makes me want to see Eclipse even more.

So what are you doing? What are your plans?

FEAR

It's almost 6am here on the East Coast. I am up, this is not an unusual thing for me. However, it is something that I can remedy, yet I can't at the same time.

Usually I'm really really good about taking meds, taking them on time, staying away from what I need to stay away from ie: alcohol, not driving when I've just taken them if it says not to etc..., well I mentioned the other day the Dr gave me Ambien finally b/c I can't sleep and also Zoloft. Well the Zoloft is awesome, it's helped tons. The Ambien as well. I actually got some much needed sleep the first and only night I took it. So why haven't I taken it since? I thought it was just b/c I kept forgetting, I kept getting sidetracked, till tonight when I was sitting here and heard a car horn beep a couple of times.

You see the other day, the night actually that I first took the Ambien and went to sleep around 11 or so someone broke into our car and stole something very trivial but also something that we need for the car. Anyways, usually I'm up all night and don't go to sleep. I know it's b/c I worry etc... on top of my insomnia (which I think I have come to the conclusion, started b/c of stress and worrying and it's just gotten worse over the years, esp with the birth of my daughter). Well I realized tonight, that the reason I haven't taken it is b/c I'm worried WAY worried about someone breaking into our car again. I didn't realize that deep down, I feel violated, they broke into our personal space, touched what I touch everyday could have touched my other personal belongings etc... So now I realized, my brain subconsciously has not allowed me to take it b/c I'm so worried.

I realized this b/c of those car horns (they turned out to be someone just setting their car alarm) b/c I kept getting up each time I heard them and my anxiety went way through the roof each time and I jumped up and went and looked out our peep hole to see if I could see anyone. So now I'm worried and worrying and it sucks. I hope that the Zoloft will help me not worry but who knows. I am not sure when I will take the Ambien again, probably not till I feel safe. We don't live in a high crime area and this is the first time according to our landlord in 20 years that anyone has done anything like that. I know that our car was targeted b/c of what they took, which was the panel for controlling the windows and locks on the drivers side door. But it doesn't lessen the fear and the worrying anymore knowing that. So until I get over it, guess it's late nights for me again. Which sucks b/c I was thoroughly enjoying sleep. Oh and I hate fear, just to let ya know.

My Journey to make myself better!

I'm not really crazy (but then again that depends all on who you ask lol), but I feel like it. I went to the Dr today, I haven't seen a Dr in oh I don't know,2 years? Anyways, so I guess that stress in my life is seen on the outside more than I knew b/c she asked me about being stressed, does my face really show that I'm stressed? I know I have seen people, esp women who are stressed out and it totally shows in their face, they look like they've been put through hell and back, but I don't see that when I look in the mirror. Sure I have dark, well almost black under my eyes, they're not circles it's totally my whole under eye and my eye lids too. I don't sleep, but I haven't slept good for the last 14 years so that's nothing new. But I didn't think I showed stress outwardly until today. Going to a Dr you've never seen and have her ask you if you have a lot of stress in your life is kind of a wake up to how you are being perceived. Yes I have a lot of stress, I have a stressful family to start off with, then I have a child who is bipolar as well as a husband who is bipolar, money is really really tight, life is hard right now, but I thought outwardly I was handling it ok, inwardly, I know I wasn't, I feel soo insane inside but I'm use to it.

So she was talking to me and I was telling her somethings I wanted to deal with that I've put off. I'm going to get my hearing checked b/c not many of you know, but I have always had a hard time hearing. When I was like 20 or 21 I went to one of those hearing aid places and they told me then that I had the hearing of a 60 year old, that's not good. So I'm finally gonna see about getting my hearing checked, see what's going on there. We talked about my migraines and I asked her about the meds, turns out I can't take any of the migraine meds out there b/c i'm allergic to what's in them, so she gave me a strong script for Naproxen.

Then we talked more about me being stressed and she gave me a script for Zoloft. I've know people to be on it, the side effects are minor but the supposed outcome is a happier, calmer, less stressed me. What is that like? I don't know, I've only known stress my whole life. I am taking this step b/c I want to have a better quality of life, I want to be happy more than I am, I want to feel the weight from my shoulders and my chest lifted and be able to breath. For those who don't know what it's like, I am soo jealous of you. To not be worried 100% of the time you're awake and even dream about it, to have it control your life to the point of destroying you physically and mentally and emotionally. So we will see where it goes. She said it should help with the migraines as well, here's to hoping, b/c as much as I like soda, drinking it as much as I have had to, has sucked.

Oh and I finally bit the bullet and asked for some sleep meds, I'm taking Ambien. Let's see how it works with my insomnia. Hopefully it helps a lot and I Get some restful sleep, much much needed restful sleep. If i can get sleep then I can have energy to get up in the mornings and workout and then start on my way to getting where I want to be physically. :D I am going to go as I took half an Ambien before I started this and I'm feeling it, so it's working so far.

Thong Thong Thong Thong

Thongs. What can I say. They are comfy, they're great for no panty lines, but they belong UNDER your clothes. No one should wear a thong outside of their clothes and by that I mean, NO THONG BIKINI'S.

I live in FL as most of you know and yesterday was Memorial Day so we went to the Beach down in Sarasota, Turtle Beach to be exact, it was beautiful, not a cloud in the sky over the water, the water was the perfect temp it was just the perfect day for the beach. The sand was less desirable but that's ok, it was still fun.

Then I was looking at the shore and this woman walks out of the water and she's wearing a THONG. She wasn't in her 20's or 30's, she was in her late 40's if not older and her butt was NOT attractive. Sorry but that's just a no no esp at a beach with TONS of kids, a beach that is known to be more family friendly than party friendly.

Now I will give it to her, she was European or something (I heard her and her man speaking and it wasn't English and... he was wearing a speedo, I happen to notice he had put on a regular suit over his speedos THANK GOD) Speedos is a whole other blog post lol SO yeah sorry but I don't think bathing suits belong on someone who is not HOT and at a family friendly beach.

I'm not a prude, but I do know that here in America, that kids just aren't use to that and some parents just don't want their child exposed to some woman's butt, plus think of the poor kids getting scarred from seeing a butt that isn't attractive lol Nightmares for that poor kid. If it's burned into my head (sucks I'm allergic to bleach b/c I soo could use it right now to get that image out of my head) just imagine what a kid has going in theirs lol

Finding my Voice

You know when you read someone's blog, there's this "voice", the way that they write their blog. You can get a sense of who they are in a way or at least who they are letting you know who they are. I'm trying to find that. I have A LOT to say. I'm a talkative person, I can usually fill up pages upon pages of stuff talking. I talk about political stuff, books, movies, my big obsessions etc.. Yet for some odd reason I have YET to find my voice. I want my voice, I just don't know how to do that. I am going to try to find it. I'm going to be on a journey to find it. I will be posting anything and everything that I can think of when I think of it and eventually it will come to me I think. But I must prepare you, you'll probably yawn more than anything, you may end up scratching your head going HUH?, you will more than likely roll your eyes and go seriously Dude get a life, or you may laugh like crazy. Originally I started this just for me to put whatever, which to me was well I don't know, just a place to get thoughts out. But now I want more, I want a place to talk to people. To get my thoughts and ideas out there, or my sarcasm (which you WILL without a doubt see). I will be posting about all that I have mentioned and then some. I would love some feedback if you don't mind when I write something. If you hate it or it's boring, tell me, if you like it, tell me, if you have a question you would like me to answer, ask me. I'm open. I want to see what I can do b/c I know I'm a good writer, I just have to find myself, find who I am in the blog world and I will do it, but not sure what it's going to be, which in a way is a little scary lol So please bear with me as I search for myself on here.

When did that happen?

So I was thinking recently when did I get so involved in politics? I wasn't political in HS, sure I had my views, I had my thoughts, but I couldn't be bothered with politics. Then all of a sudden BAM I am full force into politics. We're not just talking discussing it here and there, we're talking full on debating politics, policies, presidents,senators, local people, topics. When did I become such an adult involved in the affairs of the world. Now here's the thing that is funny too. I don't watch the news or read the paper so I don't get my opinions from some newscaster/talk show person or some reporter in a newspaper or magazine. I see a topic, I go and research it, find the info myself, I look at it from all sides. So it kind of annoys me when there are people who just go off of what someone else said. I see it all the time when I'm debating. The opposing opinion just spouts what they heard on TV, you can tell it's not THEIR opinion or their thought or even a fact that they looked up. I hate that, it's why so many debates die, b/c they have NOTHING to come back at me with and it sucks, but that all aside, I really would like to know when I became so political lol If anyone knows, please let me know. I really have no idea. Oh and with that said, expect some political rants from here on out lol