Fear

I never really truly knew what I was fearful of growing up. I mean yeah I was afraid of snakes and spiders and things like that, but to me that wasn't fear, not deep down fear. I was afraid of losing my mom or dad and not sure what would happen if he died when I was younger, would I have to take care of my siblings, I even had a whole plan for if it ever came down to that, but it wasn't fear to me, it was just being afraid. Some people think they are the same and I agree they are for the most part. But in my mind fear and being afraid are somewhat different. Fear is a deep down feeling, something that you can't get over, something that just doesn't go away with a tiny bit of trying. I have a few fears, ones that I've always had but never really realized and then some that happened b/c of changes in my life.

My first fear that I realized I had would be when I met my husband. I am soo fearful to lose him, I really don't know what would happen if something were to happen to him to take him away from me. I don't know that I could go on to love someone else, I don't know that I could ever feel loved by someone like I do him. Besides Christ, he is my rock, my everything, he has been through so much with me, both mentally,physically and emotionally. He is my best friend, the one I go to to talk no matter what. He knows me better than anyone else on this earth. My wants, my needs, my desires. Even if he doesn't want to hear something b/c it's mundane, he listens and just gives me that smile or laughs at me. I have literally cried thinking about it and even now I feel the fear just writing about it. It fills my whole body and I hate it. I hate that I even have to think about it, but I do b/c I have to be prepared for whatever might come. I hope it doesn't come soon, if it does, I'm sure I can face this fear, but I don't want to, in the meantime, I'll stay in denial over it. May not be the healthiest way but it's working so far.

My second deepest fear that I realized and is the biggest fear of any that I have is the fear of something horrible happening to Loralei. To some I come across as overprotective, as smothering etc... I'm not no matter what anyone says. Time and time again I have had it proven to me that how I am with her is very justified. I have had my fear reaffirmed over and over that something horrible can happen and I know that if it does, I will be lost. Yes I know Christ is there for me, but I know and can see and can feel how I will be if something ever happened to her. I could not deal with losing her. It scares me to no end and is something that is constantly on my mind and part of my reason for not getting sleep. I feel like I need to be able to keep an eye out on her b/c something could happen. That is irrational somewhat but it's hard to change what your mind thinks and has thought for 5+years. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I already was protective. I think part of it comes from being the oldest of so many siblings and how we grew up, the type of home we grew up in. I made a promise that she would not grow up in the lifestlye and home that I did. That will not happen to her. She will get what she deserves and nothing less. I will do what I have to to keep my child safe and happy and here with me, if that's called being overprotective then so be it. I'm overprotective and I'm proud of it, but I will never regret it b/c I will have my child with me and I will be enjoying every minute with her that I have.

My third fear and this is a deep one and one I need to work on and have been working on and most likely will continue to work on is rejection. This is a fear I have had for as long as I can remember but didn't know about it till I got older. I know that sounds odd but I never thought I had any fears like this so if you don't think you have any fears like this, then it's hard to recognize that you do, did that make sense? lol I am deeply fearful of rejection of any kind. It doesn't matter what it is. Affection, attention, anything that I can be rejected for I fear it. For the most part I come across as confident (well at least I think I do) and put together, well at least at first to others, maybe not to those who truly know me deep down. I am not sure how to totally get rid of it, I want to, I hate fearing rejection b/c then it brings on anxiety and a whole mess of other feelings. It's my biggest downfall I think I have about me. It's made relationships I've had and have difficult sometimes, it makes it hard for me to take what someone says as truth when it concerns me, not that I think that they are lying really, but that anything good is hard to hear and believe. I think I know where it all started, actually Im pretty sure I know where it all started and I wish that it never happened, but at the same time, the things that created this fear have helped to make me who I am today. I fear if someone doesn't say hi to me, if someone ignores me, if someone forgets about me or says something that seems like it's mean. I have a hard time sometimes with what others say and have to overanalyze to make sure that it's not them rejecting me. I sometimes take innocent things or innocent sarcasm as some sort of rejection. It doesn't help that I have been rejected many many times and not in minor ways. I fear my friends and loved ones will reject me and some might and I have to learn to be ok with that. I have to learn that everyone isn't going to like me deep down and learn to live with it.

And my last fear is that I am not going to be the mother that I need to be for my daughter. I fear everyday that I may somehow not do what I need to do, that I haven't done what I needed to do. I know I'm a good mom, but am I the best mom for her. With all that we are going through with her, I fear that I am not doing what all I can, that I'm some how making things worse. I fear that I may be to late to help her. I fear that my parenting is not what is best for her. I am soo feraful that her life is not at it's best and that I can and could do better. I know this is a fear that all moms have but it is one that does consume me sometimes. I strive to be the best I can be and I know that's all I can do, but it still doesn't take my fear away. I don't want her to grow up and have something to say about how I raised her and that I could have done better. I am soo fearful that one day she wishes that I was not her mother and mean it and that I was not a good mother to her. I know where this stems from, but I can't help it. I don't want to be that mother to her, she deserves better than that.

So I have laid out my fears, ha that was a very fearful thing for me to do. I just put so much of me out there and I feel wow, not even sure how I feel. I'm nervous and I'm scared but it is what it is. It's part of me, it's who I am and it's part of what drives me.