High Anxiety

Ok so I was going to wait till later in the week to write about this but maybe writing about it will get it out and help me. Afterall that's what I started this whole thing for. To help with my thoughts and feelings.

Here goes, I'm turning 30, this coming Sunday I'm turning 30. Now you would think my anxiety would be about the age, as I have found most people don't want to leave their 20's they seem to think some weird thing is gonna happen or they're going to change into this monster that only happens when you turn 30. Who knows, I will never understand the whole thing about age. To me aging is normal,natural and beautiful. I have no qualms about getting older, I look forward to it somewhat.

No, No my anxiety is about my birthday. I try not to think about it, but it always sneaks up and slips into my thoughts. Let me just put it this way, I hate my birthday. Ever since I was little,I literally can not remember a good birthday. Something always goes wrong. One year, when I was little, actually I was 5, it started out ok, I got somewhat a surprise birthday party, my best friend at the time, her parents owned a local bar, well we went to see Follow that Bird (you know the one with Big Bird) and then went back to their bar (yes I was a 5 year old in a bar lol) while my family got things together for my party. My dad made me a Smurfette cake, you know, with those pans that you cook the cake and then decorate it, yep my dad did that and did the decorating too. I'll have to find the pic sometime. Anyways, my uncle decided to mess with the light over the table where the cake was and well the light shade came crashing down on it, destroying my cake and all the food around it. Then other years it was little things here and there but enough to make the day a bad day. Oh and one year in HS, you'll love this, we had a hurricane coming our way so everything was shut down, so we couldn't even go out eat on my birthday, now that sucked.

Growing up we didn't get big parties or anything, we were lucky to get a special meal. Which that usually consisted of our favorite meal, nothing elaborate, not that I think it should have been just explaining. Most kids have some kind of a small party, for the first 9 years of my life other than the one party when I was 5 and the other 4 before that, I didn't have a party. Then we barely had parties and if we did, I ended up doing tons of work to help get them together which meant I had to clean the whole house top to bottom and help with the food, however it was always just family, never friends as I never had any friends. We moved around so much I didn't get to make friends long enough to invite them to my parties, not to mention I don't think they would have been allowed as my mom and her husband were heavy smokers and no one wants their child around that. With my father it was a little bit better, I still didn't have friends to invite to a party, so we were given the option, the 4 of us (my sister, brother, ex step sister and myself) to go to a theme park, we had to decide as a whole where we wanted to go. Or we could have a party. If only two wanted to go and the others a party, then that's what it was.

That wasn't so bad, we would go to a park, sometime in the summer as our birthdays were in June,August and September. So we would get to go plus get either money to spend there or a present for a certain amount. I always chose the park b/c like I said I never had any friends. I eventually I was able to at 16 years old to have my first birthday party with friends. That was awesome, but yet still something happened to make it get messed up. So I tried again about 3 years later with people from my college group. That was not bad at all, probably the 2nd best out of all my birthdays. Out of now 30 birthdays, I've had from what I can remember 2 birthdays that were good.

2 years ago, on my actual birthday, we were going out to eat with my dad and a friend and my car broke down, it was raining and I had a little one in the car. On top of that, my husband decided he would try to make me think that he forgot my birthday so I didn't get a happy birthday from him till he came to pick me up while broke down.

Another year, the day before my birthday, I got pulled over and arrested falsely, yeah that one was fun. Last year other than Breaking Dawn coming out, I had massive anxiety and was stressed b/c we threw a party for my ex step sister who was going away and myself. So I was having to throw together my own party and hers as well. And I was at that point getting no sleep so it was a horrible day of me crying uncontrollably, I had to hide in my closet from Loralei b/c I didnt' want to bring her down.

So anyways, that brings me to now, my birthday now. I dont' want it to come, I don't. I just want the day to go by and nothing to happen. I want to turn 30 and that be it. Things are not better for this year so far. Things have not been great for us the last 10 months in more ways than one and part of it will affect my birthday.


Aggh ok so I took a breather and I know, I was whining up there but I need to whine, I needed to get it out. I still didn't get it all out but it's all good. I am sure this will not be a read most people will want to read but that's ok, it's not for others as much as it is for myself.