Simple Complexity

Writing

2010-07-30T01:18:00.003-04:00

I'm writing again. OMG I'M WRITING AGAIN. Wow it's so odd to see that to admit it outloud (ok out loud on here). I know I'm not so witty on here and all that good but I am pretty good at writing. I use to write when I was younger, in high school. It was a way for me to have an outlet for what was going on in my life, to get my feelings out, to express what was going on without someone mocking me or telling me I was wrong or getting into an argument. It was mostly poetry or short snippets here and there of whatever but I did it, I miss it. It's been about 13 years since I've written, that's a long damn time to go without writing when you use to do it all the time, when you had notebooks filled with stuff.

I have decided to write again, I need to, I have so much up in my head I need to get it down and out and out there. I need to get over myself, get over my fear of getting out what it is I want to have said, what it is I need said. So I am writing a fanfic. It's more an outlet for me to get use to writing again, to get my bearings where I need them, then I can start on my ultimate writing, a book I've had in my head for years. I just need to do it or its going to eat at me for the rest of my life and become one of those what ifs or should of did's. I don't want that. I don't want regrets or shoulda woulda coulda's in my life when I get older. So this should help, I hope it does because I don't know what else to do. I happen to have a great group of women who are very supportive, it's b/c of them that I actually decided to go ahead and do it, they encouraged me to do it. I love them so much for that, I don't think they truly will ever know how much, but I do. So here is to my new beginning of writing, to getting out my thoughts and who knows I just might start to sleep again. I hope, I need it.

ECLIPSE, enough said!

2010-06-29T00:12:00.003-04:00

OMG I'm dying here. I can't wait. The agony is too much. Tomorrow needs to come. I need to be at the theater, waiting in my seat, 12:01 showing on the clock and the movie to start. I've been dying for this movie. Ever since I've read the series I've wanted to see Eclipse in movie form. It's my favorite book out of the series.

My plans are to go with an old friend of mine. We're going to grab something to eat and then head to the theater to be there at about 9 or so. We'll play my New Moon game I have and I might take my cards from my Twilight game (darn them for not coming out with Eclipse cards yet lol). I love going to the midnight premiere. I have gone for both Twilight and New Moon and it has been amazing. I'm dying to see The Precious (for those who don't know who that is, it's none other than ROBERT PATTINSON) on the big screen. I will also be seeing him in IMAX with hubby and daughter so I'm pumped. Oh I can't wait, my body is all tingly with excitement. I'm pumped and raring to go. I need this I need to see Edward on the screen in all his glory, being the Edward he is in Eclipse. I don't think I've ever had an obsession quite like this before in my life. This has been going on for over 2 years now so it's not just a passing phase lol

Oh and it doesn't help that I've been reading some awesome fanfic. It just makes me want to see Eclipse even more.

So what are you doing? What are your plans?

FEAR

2010-06-22T05:34:00.003-04:00

It's almost 6am here on the East Coast. I am up, this is not an unusual thing for me. However, it is something that I can remedy, yet I can't at the same time.

Usually I'm really really good about taking meds, taking them on time, staying away from what I need to stay away from ie: alcohol, not driving when I've just taken them if it says not to etc..., well I mentioned the other day the Dr gave me Ambien finally b/c I can't sleep and also Zoloft. Well the Zoloft is awesome, it's helped tons. The Ambien as well. I actually got some much needed sleep the first and only night I took it. So why haven't I taken it since? I thought it was just b/c I kept forgetting, I kept getting sidetracked, till tonight when I was sitting here and heard a car horn beep a couple of times.

You see the other day, the night actually that I first took the Ambien and went to sleep around 11 or so someone broke into our car and stole something very trivial but also something that we need for the car. Anyways, usually I'm up all night and don't go to sleep. I know it's b/c I worry etc... on top of my insomnia (which I think I have come to the conclusion, started b/c of stress and worrying and it's just gotten worse over the years, esp with the birth of my daughter). Well I realized tonight, that the reason I haven't taken it is b/c I'm worried WAY worried about someone breaking into our car again. I didn't realize that deep down, I feel violated, they broke into our personal space, touched what I touch everyday could have touched my other personal belongings etc... So now I realized, my brain subconsciously has not allowed me to take it b/c I'm so worried.

I realized this b/c of those car horns (they turned out to be someone just setting their car alarm) b/c I kept getting up each time I heard them and my anxiety went way through the roof each time and I jumped up and went and looked out our peep hole to see if I could see anyone. So now I'm worried and worrying and it sucks. I hope that the Zoloft will help me not worry but who knows. I am not sure when I will take the Ambien again, probably not till I feel safe. We don't live in a high crime area and this is the first time according to our landlord in 20 years that anyone has done anything like that. I know that our car was targeted b/c of what they took, which was the panel for controlling the windows and locks on the drivers side door. But it doesn't lessen the fear and the worrying anymore knowing that. So until I get over it, guess it's late nights for me again. Which sucks b/c I was thoroughly enjoying sleep. Oh and I hate fear, just to let ya know.

My Journey to make myself better!

2010-06-15T23:38:00.003-04:00

I'm not really crazy (but then again that depends all on who you ask lol), but I feel like it. I went to the Dr today, I haven't seen a Dr in oh I don't know,2 years? Anyways, so I guess that stress in my life is seen on the outside more than I knew b/c she asked me about being stressed, does my face really show that I'm stressed? I know I have seen people, esp women who are stressed out and it totally shows in their face, they look like they've been put through hell and back, but I don't see that when I look in the mirror. Sure I have dark, well almost black under my eyes, they're not circles it's totally my whole under eye and my eye lids too. I don't sleep, but I haven't slept good for the last 14 years so that's nothing new. But I didn't think I showed stress outwardly until today. Going to a Dr you've never seen and have her ask you if you have a lot of stress in your life is kind of a wake up to how you are being perceived. Yes I have a lot of stress, I have a stressful family to start off with, then I have a child who is bipolar as well as a husband who is bipolar, money is really really tight, life is hard right now, but I thought outwardly I was handling it ok, inwardly, I know I wasn't, I feel soo insane inside but I'm use to it.

So she was talking to me and I was telling her somethings I wanted to deal with that I've put off. I'm going to get my hearing checked b/c not many of you know, but I have always had a hard time hearing. When I was like 20 or 21 I went to one of those hearing aid places and they told me then that I had the hearing of a 60 year old, that's not good. So I'm finally gonna see about getting my hearing checked, see what's going on there. We talked about my migraines and I asked her about the meds, turns out I can't take any of the migraine meds out there b/c i'm allergic to what's in them, so she gave me a strong script for Naproxen.

Then we talked more about me being stressed and she gave me a script for Zoloft. I've know people to be on it, the side effects are minor but the supposed outcome is a happier, calmer, less stressed me. What is that like? I don't know, I've only known stress my whole life. I am taking this step b/c I want to have a better quality of life, I want to be happy more than I am, I want to feel the weight from my shoulders and my chest lifted and be able to breath. For those who don't know what it's like, I am soo jealous of you. To not be worried 100% of the time you're awake and even dream about it, to have it control your life to the point of destroying you physically and mentally and emotionally. So we will see where it goes. She said it should help with the migraines as well, here's to hoping, b/c as much as I like soda, drinking it as much as I have had to, has sucked.

Oh and I finally bit the bullet and asked for some sleep meds, I'm taking Ambien. Let's see how it works with my insomnia. Hopefully it helps a lot and I Get some restful sleep, much much needed restful sleep. If i can get sleep then I can have energy to get up in the mornings and workout and then start on my way to getting where I want to be physically. :D I am going to go as I took half an Ambien before I started this and I'm feeling it, so it's working so far.

Thong Thong Thong Thong

2010-06-01T15:54:00.004-04:00

Thongs. What can I say. They are comfy, they're great for no panty lines, but they belong UNDER your clothes. No one should wear a thong outside of their clothes and by that I mean, NO THONG BIKINI'S.

I live in FL as most of you know and yesterday was Memorial Day so we went to the Beach down in Sarasota, Turtle Beach to be exact, it was beautiful, not a cloud in the sky over the water, the water was the perfect temp it was just the perfect day for the beach. The sand was less desirable but that's ok, it was still fun.

Then I was looking at the shore and this woman walks out of the water and she's wearing a THONG. She wasn't in her 20's or 30's, she was in her late 40's if not older and her butt was NOT attractive. Sorry but that's just a no no esp at a beach with TONS of kids, a beach that is known to be more family friendly than party friendly.

Now I will give it to her, she was European or something (I heard her and her man speaking and it wasn't English and... he was wearing a speedo, I happen to notice he had put on a regular suit over his speedos THANK GOD) Speedos is a whole other blog post lol SO yeah sorry but I don't think bathing suits belong on someone who is not HOT and at a family friendly beach.

I'm not a prude, but I do know that here in America, that kids just aren't use to that and some parents just don't want their child exposed to some woman's butt, plus think of the poor kids getting scarred from seeing a butt that isn't attractive lol Nightmares for that poor kid. If it's burned into my head (sucks I'm allergic to bleach b/c I soo could use it right now to get that image out of my head) just imagine what a kid has going in theirs lol

Finding my Voice

2010-05-30T20:44:00.002-04:00

You know when you read someone's blog, there's this "voice", the way that they write their blog. You can get a sense of who they are in a way or at least who they are letting you know who they are. I'm trying to find that. I have A LOT to say. I'm a talkative person, I can usually fill up pages upon pages of stuff talking. I talk about political stuff, books, movies, my big obsessions etc.. Yet for some odd reason I have YET to find my voice. I want my voice, I just don't know how to do that. I am going to try to find it. I'm going to be on a journey to find it. I will be posting anything and everything that I can think of when I think of it and eventually it will come to me I think. But I must prepare you, you'll probably yawn more than anything, you may end up scratching your head going HUH?, you will more than likely roll your eyes and go seriously Dude get a life, or you may laugh like crazy. Originally I started this just for me to put whatever, which to me was well I don't know, just a place to get thoughts out. But now I want more, I want a place to talk to people. To get my thoughts and ideas out there, or my sarcasm (which you WILL without a doubt see). I will be posting about all that I have mentioned and then some. I would love some feedback if you don't mind when I write something. If you hate it or it's boring, tell me, if you like it, tell me, if you have a question you would like me to answer, ask me. I'm open. I want to see what I can do b/c I know I'm a good writer, I just have to find myself, find who I am in the blog world and I will do it, but not sure what it's going to be, which in a way is a little scary lol So please bear with me as I search for myself on here.

When did that happen?

2010-05-10T13:49:00.002-04:00

So I was thinking recently when did I get so involved in politics? I wasn't political in HS, sure I had my views, I had my thoughts, but I couldn't be bothered with politics. Then all of a sudden BAM I am full force into politics. We're not just talking discussing it here and there, we're talking full on debating politics, policies, presidents,senators, local people, topics. When did I become such an adult involved in the affairs of the world. Now here's the thing that is funny too. I don't watch the news or read the paper so I don't get my opinions from some newscaster/talk show person or some reporter in a newspaper or magazine. I see a topic, I go and research it, find the info myself, I look at it from all sides. So it kind of annoys me when there are people who just go off of what someone else said. I see it all the time when I'm debating. The opposing opinion just spouts what they heard on TV, you can tell it's not THEIR opinion or their thought or even a fact that they looked up. I hate that, it's why so many debates die, b/c they have NOTHING to come back at me with and it sucks, but that all aside, I really would like to know when I became so political lol If anyone knows, please let me know. I really have no idea. Oh and with that said, expect some political rants from here on out lol

Ladies and whoever else is out there, I'm back, kind of :D

2010-04-25T20:22:00.002-04:00

Ok so it's been like forever since I last posted, Oct 2009 to be somewhat exact. So where have I been? Well here but not here. You see, once Halloween hits, it's all pretty much down hill for me for being busy. Hubby's birthday is in Nov, then we have Thanksgiving, then we have Christmas and all that deals with Christmas, then NYE and then all the other holidays. I get a small break between Easter and Mothers Day and then it starts all over again. Coming from a big family there is only 2 months of the year we don't have a birthday to celebrate, March and October lol But then you have other holidays during those months so I"m busy anyways.

Soo what's happened since Oct?? Let's see, we're doing good, we've been busy but good busy. No one has been severely sick or been in the hospital. Our car is doing good. This year is turning out to be a better year than last year. School is almost over, this year went by fast. Some decisions have been made by hubby and I about careers. He's going to go back to school for engineering and I"m gonna get my masseuse license and do a traveling type thing in people's homes or at offices so that I can control my schedule.

Loralei is doing Irish Dancing. We are gearing up for the first ever Feis that her dance academy is doing. It's gonna be fun. She may even get to compete. We are having to do fund-raising for that b/c it's quite costly to do one. It will be so exciting and fun. She loves the class and is doing soo good.

Hmm lets see, We're getting ready for the summer, the heat, the rain lol We're planting stuff and I'm going to attempt to start growing my own tomatoes and gonna attempt to make my own spaghetti sauce and even try my hand at canning. Not sure how it will go but we'll see, you never know till you try. I just want to try to do some things that will be fun (I think) and save us some money in the long run, plus teach Loralei, it'll be a great way to do math with her.

Soo I think that's it for now I think. I'm sure I'll think of other stuff after I'm done writing this. But I am back I think with writing. I'm gonna change it up some and start posting more thoughts, more things that I have held back on and not said anything. Why I'm not sure, I guess I didn't want to offend anyone but this is my blog, this is for me to write about what I want and so I'm gonna do just that. I do it on Facebook, why not on here lol

Till my next blog, have a good night, good day and good time :D

Family Family Family

2009-10-17T01:14:00.002-04:00

So I haven't written in ages and that's partially b/c I've been so busy with family.

Family can be and usually is the death of us isn't it? We get so stressed out by them. What they say, what they do. How they are. No matter if you've changed, they still try to act like you haven't and so it's a huge cycle. Then you have family members that you would rather just disown and never see again, however there's always something that binds you to them and you can't just kick them out of your life just yet. You can count the days almost down to the very second that you can say ok I'm done I wash my hands of you and walk away. You feel like you need to take a deep breath yet can't, your chest is so tight you can't get a full breath of air in b/c you're being smothered with so much crap from those around you. Those that are suppose to be there to support you, to lift you up, to guide you and love you and help you along your journey through life. You shouldn't feel like you would be better off without them in your life. That's crazy talk right?

Come on people I know I'm not the only one who has this happen. There's those that you love to death, yet when you get around them, you just want to bop them on the head or ok, I'll be honest, club them on the head till you feel better. There are those that you would not mind not seeing for a while, but don't want to get rid of them altogether, but then there are those rare ones I think that you have to see, you have to have contact and it's like pulling teeth to be around them and everyone wonders why when you go to so and so's house or see so and so you have bald spots all over lol well if they only knew right?

So yeah things have been stressful. I've wanted to hide and cry and just run away at several points. However I can't do that and won't do that, well maybe the crying part b/c you know, a really good deep cry every now and then to cleanse the soul doesn't hurt. You know what I'm talking about, the cry where it takes a box of tissues b/c of all the snot you're blowing out your nose and sopping up the tears streaming down your face like rivers. Those I think are the best cries ever and so you go and find the saddest most heart wrenching movie (we all have one, yes even you men do and you know it) and it helps to deal with those family things, where you can't normally just bust out crying lest you want to have some drama happen more than it already is.

So I leave this post to go and do my best to have a good cry. I hope all have a good weekend wherever you are and I hope that no one is having family issues right now and if you are, just know that you are NOT alone, I'm right there with you.

25 Firsts

2009-09-16T06:08:00.001-04:00

25 Firsts

Stealing this from Sarah

"25 Firsts"

1. Who was your first prom date? Sadly, I never had a prom date. No guys liked me enough to ask me.

2. Do you still talk to your first love? hmmm this is a hard one to answer

3. What was your first alcoholic drink? Um ok if DCF had ever seen this when I was younger my dad would soo be in jail lol. He actually let me have drinks of his daiquiris when he made them

4. What was your first job? Other than babysitting, working at a gas station that a family friend owned. I was 18. But before that I had tons and tons of babysitting jobs.

5. What was your first car? A 1994 Chevy Astro. I got it free from a family that we knew through our church. Was a pretty good van, had it up until the day before we got married when it decided to die on us. I had it a good 3 years so not too bad.

6. Who was the first person to text you today? No one text me today. I haven't been texting much lately.

7. Who was the first person you thought of this morning? Loralei, it's always Loralei

8. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Little. I actually got to see her a couple years ago b/c my little sister (who is 19 years difference in age from me) had her as a teacher. Pretty cool. She actually remembered me too. Now that's a teacher lol

9. Where did you go on your first flight in a plane? I was 2 I think and it was to Wisconsin to see my grandparents.

10. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk? Nina and Dana, they were twins and no I haven't seen them since 7th grade. We didn't see each other after 1st grade, met up again in 7th, then b/c of peer pressure and crap, they decided they didn't want to be friends with me b/c I wasn't in the cool crowd.

11. Where was your first sleepover? Other than with family, I'm almost positive with Nina and Dana, we were always together.

12. Who was the first person you talked to today? Loralei

13. Whose wedding were you in for the first time? My step cousin's a long time ago, I think I was 11? I can't remember, but the dress was ugly.

14. What was the first thing you did this morning? Hmm got Loralei her inhaler and then made sausage gravy and biscuits for breakfast.

15. What was the first concert you went to? Chipmunks lol Does that count? If not then New Kids On The Block

16. First tattoo? Butterfly on inside of my left wrist, I was 28 I think

17. First piercing? Ears at 4 or 5 I think

18. First foreign country you went to? LOL Does Canada count? That's the only other country I've been to. Haven't traveled much in my life.

19. First movie you remember seeing? Follow that Bird or ET, can't remember which I saw first or was it Star Wars.I'd have to ask my Dad.

20. What state did you first live in? FLORIDA

21. Who was your first room mate? a girl named Lisa

22. When was your first detention? I think 6th grade but I forget what it was, the other time was 7th grade for supposedly cheating which I didn't do.

24. What is one thing you would learn, given the chance? Draw or paint, I have so many things I would love to draw or paint but have no talent for it.

25. Who will be the next person to post this? Hopefully all of you!

Confession #2

2009-09-16T05:42:00.001-04:00

I can no longer watch scary/horror movies and forget the ones with blood and gore lol.

I don't know what it is, but about 7 years ago, actually maybe a little before that, whenever the first The Ring came out, after seeing that IDK, something happened and I can't watch them. Well I can watch some, as long as it's during the day and with hubby. Other than that, forget it, I'm a huge wuss. I think it's b/c I've have extremely vivid dreams and tend to dream about movies I see when I see them and I replay stuff in my mind all the time. Who knows, so I'm a big scaredy cat and can't watch scary movies lol

Confession #1

2009-09-10T15:40:00.003-04:00

Ok so I'm thinking of doing a confession a week or whenever it hits me to do one. Like a guilty pleasure or something gross that I do or you know just something weird, and with me, you never know what might come out. So anyways, here's the first of I'm thinking many to come. Oh and feel free to post your own confessions.

Ok so even though I'm only 30, I'm seriously thinking I need depends or something. On several occassions lately, I have peed myself when I've sneezed or coughed. Yes, it's quite sad, but I do think it's not all my fault. I have a little girl who I can blame, it's all her fault, she made me do it. Seriously, when I was pregnant with her, she sat on my bladder so I think it forgot how to work without something 7 pounds sitting on it or oh hold on, wait, could it also be that I sometimes forget I have to pee and have a full bladder? Hmmm guess I'll never know will I. Anyways that's my confession for now.

Go ahead and report me

2009-08-07T17:09:00.002-04:00

Ok so I'm going to be stepping on some toes. I've already done it on Facebook. I've got people I'm sure hiding me on there, their loss, and it's sad really.

I posted yesterday about something that happened here in Tampa, something with our Senator, Senator Kathy Castor. There was a town hall meeting and in the meeting she ended up leaving b/c people were getting loud and rowdy b/c she was basically trying to smooth everyone over about the Health Care reform, most were there to oppose it. Well she being the small person that she is, and being like the majority of the other Democrat leaders out there said that the people there who were protesting against it were not there on their own, they were part of some bigger scheme, they were part of an insurance company or drug company b/c she knows that they are against it so they got a bunch of people together and bussed them there. Not true.

Why is it is soo hard for the Democrats that approve of the health care reform to see that people are against it without calling them names or claiming something false against them? Oh and don't you just LOVE how our wonderful president has broken the law now, by asking people to report their friends,loved ones etc if they speak out against them?

People have been saying for a long time that Obama was trying to turn our country into a socialist country, Democrats/Obama supporters/ Republican haters all denied it, said that it was all a conspiracy thing and things people just were making up. Here it is 8 months into his presidency and he's already pulling a socialist act. Socialist and Communist countries are the ones that ask you to turn in your friends and your loved ones if they go against the gov't. Not democratic countries.

People, AMERICA, come on wake up and smell the coffee, Obama is trying to change our country for the worst. He's not done one single thing he's promised to do for us. He's put us in greater debt, lost more jobs, and now he's trying to make us lose our healthcare. He wants to take what we have away and not give us anything in return. He's only out for himself.

I'm seriously scared of what's going to happen in the next 3 years based on what he's done just in the 8 months he's been in office. I'm afraid to see what this country will be like when he's finished with it. I don't see a happy ending, I hope there is, but I don't see it. That is why I put all my trust and faith in God, b/c I know that He put Obama in office for a reason, some reason that as far as I can tell most other Christians are still trying to figure out and can't fathom what it could be. But there is a reason, I trust in my Savior that I will be ok, but it still doesn't make me less afraid of what our country will be like in 3 years and 4 months.

Swagbucks.com

2009-07-30T18:17:00.002-04:00

I found out about Swagbucks.com from a blog I follow Pour Some Sugar on Me. It's really neat. You search for something and you get points/bucks and then you can take those and redeem them for stuff. How much more awesome could it be. Anyways, go check it out and let me know what you think. Oh and don't forget to check my blog down below for a challenge I've put to everyone out there.

ONE Question,Chance,Honest Answer

2009-07-30T17:51:00.004-04:00

ONE??? Yep, well not exactly. Here's the deal, You can ask me one question and I will give you an honest answer no matter how hard it is to do or how much I don't want to for whatever reason.

Email it to me at rgumbie09@aol.com and I will answer you back asap. If you're brave you'll do the same. I dare all that read this to do it, to put yourself out there to be honest to any questions asked of you. Make sure in the title you put Blog Question so I know that it's from someone reading this and not spam.

High Anxiety

2009-07-28T15:02:00.002-04:00

Ok so I was going to wait till later in the week to write about this but maybe writing about it will get it out and help me. Afterall that's what I started this whole thing for. To help with my thoughts and feelings.

Here goes, I'm turning 30, this coming Sunday I'm turning 30. Now you would think my anxiety would be about the age, as I have found most people don't want to leave their 20's they seem to think some weird thing is gonna happen or they're going to change into this monster that only happens when you turn 30. Who knows, I will never understand the whole thing about age. To me aging is normal,natural and beautiful. I have no qualms about getting older, I look forward to it somewhat.

No, No my anxiety is about my birthday. I try not to think about it, but it always sneaks up and slips into my thoughts. Let me just put it this way, I hate my birthday. Ever since I was little,I literally can not remember a good birthday. Something always goes wrong. One year, when I was little, actually I was 5, it started out ok, I got somewhat a surprise birthday party, my best friend at the time, her parents owned a local bar, well we went to see Follow that Bird (you know the one with Big Bird) and then went back to their bar (yes I was a 5 year old in a bar lol) while my family got things together for my party. My dad made me a Smurfette cake, you know, with those pans that you cook the cake and then decorate it, yep my dad did that and did the decorating too. I'll have to find the pic sometime. Anyways, my uncle decided to mess with the light over the table where the cake was and well the light shade came crashing down on it, destroying my cake and all the food around it. Then other years it was little things here and there but enough to make the day a bad day. Oh and one year in HS, you'll love this, we had a hurricane coming our way so everything was shut down, so we couldn't even go out eat on my birthday, now that sucked.

Growing up we didn't get big parties or anything, we were lucky to get a special meal. Which that usually consisted of our favorite meal, nothing elaborate, not that I think it should have been just explaining. Most kids have some kind of a small party, for the first 9 years of my life other than the one party when I was 5 and the other 4 before that, I didn't have a party. Then we barely had parties and if we did, I ended up doing tons of work to help get them together which meant I had to clean the whole house top to bottom and help with the food, however it was always just family, never friends as I never had any friends. We moved around so much I didn't get to make friends long enough to invite them to my parties, not to mention I don't think they would have been allowed as my mom and her husband were heavy smokers and no one wants their child around that. With my father it was a little bit better, I still didn't have friends to invite to a party, so we were given the option, the 4 of us (my sister, brother, ex step sister and myself) to go to a theme park, we had to decide as a whole where we wanted to go. Or we could have a party. If only two wanted to go and the others a party, then that's what it was.

That wasn't so bad, we would go to a park, sometime in the summer as our birthdays were in June,August and September. So we would get to go plus get either money to spend there or a present for a certain amount. I always chose the park b/c like I said I never had any friends. I eventually I was able to at 16 years old to have my first birthday party with friends. That was awesome, but yet still something happened to make it get messed up. So I tried again about 3 years later with people from my college group. That was not bad at all, probably the 2nd best out of all my birthdays. Out of now 30 birthdays, I've had from what I can remember 2 birthdays that were good.

2 years ago, on my actual birthday, we were going out to eat with my dad and a friend and my car broke down, it was raining and I had a little one in the car. On top of that, my husband decided he would try to make me think that he forgot my birthday so I didn't get a happy birthday from him till he came to pick me up while broke down.

Another year, the day before my birthday, I got pulled over and arrested falsely, yeah that one was fun. Last year other than Breaking Dawn coming out, I had massive anxiety and was stressed b/c we threw a party for my ex step sister who was going away and myself. So I was having to throw together my own party and hers as well. And I was at that point getting no sleep so it was a horrible day of me crying uncontrollably, I had to hide in my closet from Loralei b/c I didnt' want to bring her down.

So anyways, that brings me to now, my birthday now. I dont' want it to come, I don't. I just want the day to go by and nothing to happen. I want to turn 30 and that be it. Things are not better for this year so far. Things have not been great for us the last 10 months in more ways than one and part of it will affect my birthday.

Aggh ok so I took a breather and I know, I was whining up there but I need to whine, I needed to get it out. I still didn't get it all out but it's all good. I am sure this will not be a read most people will want to read but that's ok, it's not for others as much as it is for myself.

Ahh they grow soo fast.

2009-07-20T02:24:00.001-04:00

So this week I am signing Loralei up for Girl Scouts. YAY, she is soo excited. I can't wait for her to get involved with it and have soo much fun and then camping trips YAY even better and selling oooohhh GIRL SCOUT COOKIES OMG I can't wait for those lol

Anyways, I remember the little bit of stuff from when I was in GS, I loved it, we got to go camping one time and it was awesome, no parents YAY, However, I will be very involved. Heck I was involved with my brother when he did BS, so definitely going to be very involved with Loralei doing GS. Wow, I can't beleive my little girl is going to be doing something I once did.

However I know that it's changed since I was in it (man I feel old lol) but this will be awesome for her and I can't wait to see how much she grows from it, how much she gets out of it.

So who has been a girl scout and what are your memories from it? Or if you're a guy, did you do Boy Scouts? Did you become an Eagle Scout? What were your favorite things about doing scouts guys? Oh and if you have pics of you in your uniforms that would be awesome to see

Why can't I? and laughter

2009-07-14T04:58:00.003-04:00

Ok so I read other people's blogs and they are either deep felt, funny or just overly written well. Or you see their personality in them. Me yeah I can't seem to do that. All day or whatever I'll have tons of things i say, do or think and go oooh I should put that on my blog, then bam I get on the computer and bring up this little thingy to post and

that's what it looks like for Oh I don't know forever, till I decide to just write whatever and then it sucks, it sucks big time. Yes I started this to get thoughts out of my head but they don't seem to want to come out. UGH damn thoughts come out when I want you to.

I really am a funny person, and funny to be around. You wouldn't be able to tell by my writings on here but I am, you'll just have to take my word for it till I get to where I finally come out in my blogs. which well I wouldn't mind being anytime soon. Really I wouldn't mind it at all. I guess I need to figure out what's holding me back ,hmm that might take a while seeming as my brain isn't fully functional lately, oh well it'll happen I'm sure.

Maybe I should like have you guys give me topics and then I can either rant and rave about those or IDK, I just love writing, I love talking and if you know me in person and well on IM or on the phone then you already know that lol I use to get called Mouth of the South b/c I was always always talking and then on top of that I talk with my hands and somehow I can't talk without talking without my hands, I've tried it, my brain stops, it's like my hands are connected to my brain or my mouth or both and when I don't move my hands my brain just goes duuuhhhhhh what am I suppose to do now. Yeah anyways, so if you have a topic that you would love to see what I can do, serious or funny or neutral please please let me know. I want to do something besides post stupid mundane crap on here. I mean I know info about what's going on is good but Ugh I need to work on my writing b/c it's been ages and I miss it and I want to get better at it again. I mean after all I did take a semester of creative writing in HS and I got a B+ (I wasn't very motivated in school to actually do work all the time hence the B+ lol).

Oh and in the meantime too I'm passing on this awesome blog Barefoot Foodie that my friend Rachel passed on to another friend and we both died laughing. So go read her, go laugh your butts off and have a good day/night/whatever time it is ther while you're reading this.

So many emotions at once

2009-07-11T01:05:00.002-04:00

Do you ever get to where you feel like 10 different emotions or what feels like 10 different emotions at once? Do you constantly have stuff running through your mind?

I do and right now it's horrible.
Though it probably doesn't help that I feel like crap.

I'm mad,annoyed, frustrated, ticked off, stressed, happy, annoyed at someone, confused, did I say frustrated oh yeah I did lol, hurt, sad, angry, and soo much more

I am annoyed by a few people, some I love dearly which sucks b/c I see them or want to see them, some I don't see often or not at all, some that I see everyday and well can't do anything about.

I'm pissed about a few things, things that have been going on for a while, things that for a long time I kept getting told was totally all in my head or I was overreacting. Now supposedly things are being seen how I have always seen them but nothing is being done.

I want to scream, I want to punch someone, I want to just go away and stay away for awhile. I want to have my own little family off in our own little world just the 3 of us. Ugh I want to be left alone yet my personality won't let me b/c I love being around people too much, communicating with people too much and well I'm nosy so that's another reason lol.

I'm hurt by those that I love b/c they choose to have others come before me others that are not family, and I'm not the only one that they are choosing to have others come before, i'm not the only family. That should help but sadly it doesn't, it makes it worse b/c it means it's getting worse with that person and how that person is.

However, with all that I'm angry,mad,pissed etc about I am happy and I'm thankful for that b/c of the reason. I have my husband and my child. They keep me somewhat sane, though some days they cause my insanity lol.

Ugh I'm gonna end this now, I'm all mixed up and this isn't helping like I thought it would.

I'm an Aunt

2009-07-06T04:47:00.002-04:00

If you haven't already heard I'm an Aunt. Wow that is soo weird to say lol Here I am almost 30 years old and finally an Aunt. My nephew, Ethan James was born on Tuesday June 30, 2009 at 5:28 pm. My sister had quite the ordeal trying to have her little one lol. She was suppose to go into the hospital 10pm Sunday night to get the inducing process started b/c she was a week late as of the following day she was suppose to be there. Well she called the hospital and they didn't have her scheduled, they had her scheduled for TODAY lol yes today July 6th, she was due June 22 lol. So anyways, everything went as planned if not better. She was barely in labor for 12 hours when he decided to come. However he had problems breathing, which was due to swallowing some fluid when he was born. He was fine after that, then they thought he had an enlarged heart and did an x ray, well it showed it was enlarged, so they did a sono it showed it wasn't, then they did a cat scan and an ekg and both came back as him having a normal sized heart. They did figure out he had a valve that wasn't quite closed. That closed on it's own and they let him go home Friday afternoon. Then Sunday, my sister had to take him into the hospital b/c his heart was beating too fast. They had to literally stop his heart and restart it, so in a sense he died and was brought back to life by all technicalities. He is doing good now, they took him by ambulance, a special one that is basically a hospital on wheels to our childrens hospital and gave him meds. According to the Pediatric Cardiologists there they see this every couple weeks or so with new borns. Kind of scary to think that new borns have this happen so often. So anyways, if you pray please keep them in your prayers. God has really been watching out for this little boy.

I've decided my sister and I can't have normal kids, no they have to have something happen to them or have something go wrong so that they can get all kinds of extra attention lol Anyways, being an aunt is gonna be fun and cool I think. Loralei is excited. She is soo excited to have a cousin, however, Ethan coming along has prompted her to ask for a baby brother... so yeah that will be interesting to see lol as it won't be happening. She'll just have to settle for a baby cousin that's a boy, he can be like her brother lol I mean they're only almost 6 years apart so it's not too bad. I can't wait to see how she is with him, she can't wait to hold him and kiss him and touch him. She's only seen him through the glass in the nursery at the hospital. When I get pics I will post them. Oh and Kenny is finally an Uncle too, he never thought he would be one since he's an only child, but here he is, an Uncle Kenny lol.

If you are an Aunt or Uncle, post your most favorite memory with one of your nieces or nephews or the best thing about being an Aunt/Uncle to you.

I suck, OMG I really do!

2009-06-21T22:02:00.003-04:00

Ok so I haven't written in over a month ugh, I'm a horrible blogger. I suck at it lol

Anyways, some updates, we have moved YAY, love moving, love the packing love lugging everything from one place to the other and oh yeah the best ever is unpacking, YES man it's awesome, putting things away, finding where to put things that work for you, going through stuff for a second time, b/c the first time was when you packed lol So you get rid of more stuff. Yeah love it all.

Ok if you believed that baloney up there then you must either A) Like moving or B) sick in the head for liking to do that. Other than the getting rid of stuff I hate the other. SO yeah now we're in a new place, at the very least for a couple years. We want to save up money to get our own place.

Now Kenny isn't soo sure b/c well he's not happy staying in one place. He doesn't like settling in one place for too long, but he has to deal b/c we have a child and she isn't going to get moved around and uprooted just b/c he's bored where we live. He will have to get over it. I grew up moving every two years or so till I was 14, then I moved in with my dad and stayed in the same place for over 4 years, that ladies and gentlemen is a record for me for living in a place for any length of time. Sad isn't it?

So anyways, I told him we won't be moving around after we get a place, we need our own place that we don't have to worry about a landlord or anything, that we can make choices of what we want in our home without getting permission, so Loralei can make her room her room and not have to change it all the time. Not to mention she's at the age where she's making friends that could be life long friends. I want her to have that, I didn't have that and it sucks. My sister has it, with friends she met in 7th grade, they are all still really strong friends, even after all these years. It sucks not to be able to say oh yeah I've known so and so for this long and we're the best of friends we're inseperable. I have friends from HS and even JH and a couple from elementary school but I'm not close to any of them. We keep in touch, sorta, but that's it. I want Loralei to have what I didn't, isn't that what we all want for our kids? To have the things we never had or got to have for one reason or another? I've already seen how us moving in the last couple years has affected her, it's hard on her and I don't want that for her anymore. So this was our second to last move, the next one WILL be to a permanent place at least for the next 5 to 10 years or so if not longer.

So we are in the process of unpacking and getting settled. Once we do I will take pics of our new place and of our backyard, that's the best part, Loralei has a backyard to play in and we get to do a garden. YAY

Also I'm giong to try to blog more. I have soo much I want to blog about but don't ever do it.

Flip Flops and Me

2009-05-17T09:08:00.003-04:00

Ok so I have to come out, some of you know it and some would say but duh it's obvious, you live in Florida. Well actually if you look around there are a lot of people here who wear tennis shoes or heels too so it's not quite so obvious lol. So Anyways, here it is, I'm beyond addicted to Flip Flops, I love love love Flip Flops, I comment to people about their flip flops, I'm always looking at flip flops, I have two key chains on my keys and both are yep you guessed it, flip flops, one needs to seriously go, but I can't part with it. I have flip flop magnets, my mom even got me flip flop candle holders for outside and inside. I just love flip flops, not just wearing them but the cute stuff that they come on and in, oh and I have a little notepad that is a flip flop with paper feet lol

Anyways just had to get that off my chest lol Oh and I have about 20 pairs of flip flops, my sister got me my favorite pair that I wear all the time for my birthday last year. I just LOVE LOVE LOVE Flip Flops. Oh and did I mention I wear them year round? I can't stand tennis shoes, other than for the gym, I dont' wear them, and then after I'm done at the gym, the minute I get into the car, the shoes come off and the flip flops go on. This is one thing I never want to get help for, it's a healthy obsession, just the right amount of obsession right? Shake your head yes lol

Something Every Girl Needs, especially Me!

2009-05-17T08:06:00.003-04:00

Ok you know how you have those shirts that miraculously somehow shrink and are too short? (we really know what happens but we'll blame it on the washing and drying of it lol) And you know how you just love that shirt and you don't want to get rid of it? Well now you don't have to. There is a new thing that is out called the the Hip T that helps take care of that.

I soo am getting one of these, even with losing inches/weight, some of my shirts are a little too short so I need this to help with that and it looks good. Just go look over at Pour Some Sugar on Me, she has a blog about it and she is giving one away. So go check her out, you can either click on the link in here the button to the right. She has a picture of her wearing one and you can't even tell it's not a shirt underneath the other one.

Even if I don't win one, I will be buying one. Esp for working out, and I bet it makes you look a little slimmer too lol

Rain Rain Don't Go Away

2009-05-13T19:00:00.003-04:00

I just have to say I am loving our weather right now.

IT"S POURING DOWN RAIN!! Oh and Lightning and Thundering too. The fact that there are tornadoes nearby is no biggie lol. I am just loving this. I love love love thunderstorms with a passion,AS LONG as they don't make the electricity go out, then I get annoyed. Other than that bring them on. I sleep soo good when we have thunderstorms, I love listening to the thunder and the rain just pouring down.

I can't wait for the summer for it to rain like this at least 2 or 3 times a week. Yeah it's annoying sometimes b/c it interferes with daily life but sometimes it's nice, esp when we have hot hot days like we have had the last few weeks. We really really need the rain, we are literally in a drought, our city doesn't have enough water to supply us and are actually thinking of using reclaimed water, YUCK!!!!! How disgusting, they can keep their reclaimed water, I'll fill up a landfill drinking my bottled water thank you very much.

I'm Still ALive

2009-05-11T21:35:00.002-04:00

Man it's been ages. I keep meaning to come and update about what's going on in my life, but I forget or I get busy doing other things.

Things are ok, hectic, but ok. A lot's been going on. Went to the Dr, have to have surgery on my right knee, he wants to do a scope and fix whatever is messed up. Yeah not looking forward to that at all, being laid up, NOT my idea of fun by any stretch of the imagination. So that is suppose to happen in June but it's looking more like July with K's schedule and whatnot. So I will let you know (I promise I will) when it's going to happen.

Hmm what else, oh yeah K and I have been going to the gym and working out, he more so b/c I've been not feeling well lately but I love it and he does too and he has already lost quite a bit. I've lost 4 inches total (last measuring) and he lost 9 inches total last measuring, we'll measure tonight and see where he's at.

The summer heat has hit us and it's miserable, it sucks. it's almost impossible to go out and do anything and forget a/c in the car, it's too dang hot to contend with, by the time it starts cooling off if it does at all, you're already where you were going and it starts all over.

Oh and the darn love bugs are out, if you're never dealt with them OMG they are a PITA. Serioulsy they are, they also like to take the paint off your car if you don't get them off right away and you dont' wax your car.

I'm not feeling good so I think that's it for now. Just wanted to update since I've been told I never update which is true lol. I will come back again soon with more when I'm more coherent in my head and not all rambling.

So Proud of myself!

2009-03-24T16:31:00.002-04:00

I know I shouldn't be so boastful and proud but I am. For finally doing somethings I've needed to do for myself for a long time. I'm going to Drs to get myself taken care of, to see what all is really wrong with me and what's not. I have now seen a physician and had a physical, which everything is fine, the bloodwork came back good except for my thyroid which I went and gave more blood for that Friday so I should find out what's going on with that very soon, but had I not gone, I wouldn't have found out. Some of you know Loralei killed my knee a few weeks ago and it's been hurting like crazy almost everyday and some days are better than others. So I finally called and I'm going to see and ortho next week. Next on the list is the dentist (NOT looking forward to that) and my jaw and my back. So eventually I will be getting all that I need done. I have put it off long enough, but I"m proud of myself for getting it going, going to Drs and getting myself taken care of. So anyways, that's what's going on with me.

I'll update about the thyroid and my knee as I get info on each and anything else I go to the Dr about.

An Interview with a 5 year old!

2009-03-10T16:36:00.003-04:00

I stole this from my friend (Thanks Rach, it was fun doing this with her), she has a toddler, but mine is a 5 year old, but I'm sure any age will work. Maybe when she turns 6 I'll do it again and see if the answers change.

1. What is something mommy always says to you?
Go to your room

2. What makes mommy happy?
Flowers and chocolate

3. What makes mommy sad?
me doing something I'm not suppose to do

4. How does your mommy make you laugh?
tickle my belly

5. What was your mommy like as a child?
I wasn't born when you were a little girl

6. How old is your mommy?
I don't remember, um 100 (I then asked her for confirmation if she really thought I was 100, she then upped it and goes 200? 300? Thanks a lot)

7. How tall is your mommy?
40ft

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
go to the mall and go shopping and get me some summer clothes

9. What does your mommy do when you're not around?
go hang out with your friends

10. If your mommy becomes famous, what will it be for?
Dancing (um where she got this idea I have no clue as I can't dance for anything)

11. What is your mommy really good at?
making brownies, I really love your brownies mommy, you make the best brownies ever

12. What is your mommy not very good at?
ok so she actually thought about this, I mean really thought about it and then goes I can't think of something you're not good at (talk about an ego booster)

13. What does your mommy do for a job?
being the best mom (I swear I didn't get her to say that)

14.What is your mommy's favorite food?
Chicken

15.What makes you proud of your mommy?
helping daddy feel better

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
ok so this is one we had to come back to b/c she couldn't think of anyone then she thought of someone Pinky Dinky Doo

17. What do you and your mommy do together?
go to the park together

18. How are you and your mommy the same?
um we have black pants

19. How are you and your mommy different?
we don't wear black pants and the same shirt

20. How do you know your mommy loves you?
when I'm sick you bring me something to eat and take care of me and you give me big hugs

21. What does your mommy like most about your dad?
I don't know

22. Where is your mommy's favorite place to go?
Target (my girl knows me lol )

Wow what craziness!

2009-02-15T23:19:00.002-05:00

So it seems like I'm always at the Drs ofice lately for one of us. It's crazy. Anyways, I think, don't hold me to it, but I think we're all finally feeling better. So visits for being sick are over THANK GOD!!!!

However, now I will be driving over an hour this week to take Loralei to see a child psychiatrist. I am NOT complaining by any means whatsoever. I'm actually looking forward to this, finally to get some help with my daughter, to find out what's truly going on within that mind of hers. I feel like it's a day of I don't know what but I can just see me have this big sigh of relief after talking to the Dr and finding out what's going on. I can't do what we've been doing without help and support anymore. So this is a huge step and something I can't wait to have done.

I finally found a Dr for me, now I can stop being yelled at by friends and loved ones about going to a Dr, b/c now I have no excuse. I've met her once but I loved how she was and felt so comfortable, and a plus is she's a DO, which is what I wanted. So I am going to have a physical, however, I realized the other day that I have my appointment and Loralei's Pulmonary Specialist appointment set for the same day and oh yeah only 15 mins apart so I have to call tomorrow to reschedule. No biggie. Oh and at her appointment, they will be using her as a pin cushion to do an allergy test. Hopefully she's not as bad as her mama.

I'm doing good overall so I can't complain, tired but that's it.

Oh I have to share something with you that I found hilarious and if you know me, which if you're reading this you most likely do, but the other night I was trying to get Loralei to tell my dad where she was going this coming week (the shrink). Here's how the Convo went.

Me: Tell Grampa where you're going next week.
L: Ummmm I don't know! (as she's trying to figure out what she wants from the snack bar at the movies, yeah not a good place to get her to think lol)
Me: The Dr remember?!
L: Grampa I'm going to the Dr. Mommy what am I going to the Dr for again?
Me: to see what's going on inside that brain of yours!
L: (innocent, no sarcasm) I don't have a mind!

Wow, yeah she's definitely my child, already admitting to her not having a mind, she's lost it early poor thing. I need to start writing down things she says, b/c she has had some whoppers before.

Oh and since all of my friends are doing it and I haven't in a long while I have decided that I'm going to make Loralei another quilt. I'm going to let her pick out the fabric and maybe let her help me, teach her to sew. I will keep that updated, I'm quite excited b/c I haven't sewn anything in wow, almost 6 months, it's a pain b/c I have to take my sewing machine out and put it up and take it out and it's a pain in the butt to do. So I will make a spot that I can leave it out and not have to do the back and forth thing, so pictures will come as I start out, and I think I'm going to photojournal the whole process even of her picking out the material and whatnot. That would be kind of fun for her, to see the process that she was involved in.

Ok so I think I'm done, that's a lot of catching up in one post and I'm sure overwhelming, I won't wait so long to update from now on b/c I know I've forgotten some stuff and well that sucks but oh well. Life goes on. Hope everyone had a Happy Valentines Day and now we get to look forward to St Patty's Day, Yummy, bring on the cornedbeef and cabbage and potatoes.

Craziness here!

2009-02-06T02:37:00.003-05:00

Ok so I'm still sick, turns out I have bronchitis, YAY me (claps hands and this is all done in London Tipton style lol). So I'm all hopped up on drugs YAY me again lol The best is when I have withdrawls everyday, about 14 hours after taking my cough medicine. Yeah my body has decided it likes to do the extremes and so when my body doesn't have the lovely wonderful hydrocodone in it, it wants to start shaking and making me feel just wonderfully sick. The coughing is still here but it's getting better. I finally found a good Dr, so those that yell at me about going to the Dr can now stop, I will be going to the Dr like a good little girl when something is wrong. Loralei is still sick, the blood tests for Pertussis came back negative. So we'll see what happnes after her meds are all done which should be today, yeah today is the 10th day of antibiotics for her. She'll be happy about that. So life has been crazy with just the two of us being sick. So you would think that was enough right? WRONG!!!

Kenny is going in in exactly 5.5 hours from now to have minor surgery, I'll spare you the details but yeah so he'll be recouping from that for the next few days and I should really be in bed b/c we have to leave here at 6am which means we have to be up at 5:30am. I'm going to be dead dead dead. Oh well, life will go on, not like I haven't survived on less sleep. So anyways, that's it for now, I have more stuff but I'm going to attempt to go to sleep and get at least a couple hours. I will update you on his surgery later on when we get home. Oh and I have some news about a friends son, my Godson and she needs all the prayers and thoughts she can get. That will come later on though.

Groundhog Day

2009-02-01T16:27:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow is my anniversary like I already posted but it's also Groundhog day, it's the day we find out if we have more winter or not. So I'm posting a poll to see who thinks that they Groundhog will see his shadow or not, so go and vote and let me know what you think!!!! Let's see who the winners are, so comment on my blog what you chose. Have you ever been right before?

7 years!

2009-02-01T16:11:00.004-05:00

7 years ago, I stood before a man, a man I loved, a man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We stood before our family and friends, a pastor and God. We vowed to each other to love one another, through sickness and health, good times and bad, and to be there for each other no matter what. 7 years ago, it seems like a long time, yet it seems like yesterday. I still love that man, I love him even more, I could never put into words the love that I have for him. It's too strong, its too much (if there is such a thing), it's just right. It hurts to love him, it feels like my heart is going to jump out of my chest b/c there isn't enough room to hold the love I feel for him. 7 years later of marriage and I still get butterflies when I think about him. I get giddy like a teenage girl with her first crush. When he holds me everything feels right, when he says I love you, I melt and have a smile a mile wide.

Through everything that has happened in the 7 years we've been married, we are strong and still going. He is the love of my life, my best friend, my lover, my everything. Our relationship is like no other that I have seen nor been in. I would be lost without him and couldn't imagine not growing old with him. I can't wait to see what another 7 years brings, what God has in store for us. I look forward to growing old and senile with him. I'm thankful to God and blessed for him being in my life. So 7 years ago tomorrow, will be the anniversary of the day that I took the man that I love as my husband, my soul mate, my lover, as the man that God intended him to be for me. I cherish the time we have had and will have. It will never be enough but I'm thankful for what I get. Happy Anniversary baby, I love you!

Dude Twilight and all that good stuff

2009-01-30T01:11:00.003-05:00

So yeah DUDE, that's a word I picked up thanks to my wonderful friends that I talk to. Now, my daughter has been saying it, it's AWESOME lol HA yes I rub off on her, hey it's not a bad word so no one can complain. Oh yeah and K is starting to say it some too, he catches himself though lol I'm so evil. So I had to share that b/c I just find it funny and cool and just well neato lol.

So Twilight, well we went and saw it again (again for me, first for K and L) at the drive in (yes we still have them here) and I was shocked, K loved it, L loved it too but she was so tired she didn't see the ending that's ok b/c it comes out in 2 months and you better believe I will have it in my hands the day that it is released, no ifs ands or buts about it . Then I will proceed to come home and watch it with Loralei. I'm not crazy about it, but I do have to say, watching it a second time is a little bit better, kind of like rereading New Moon, except I skip half the book each time I read it (if you've read it you know why, if not READ THE WHOLE THING). Anyways so yeah he loved the movie and now wants to read the book. Some of you might be going yeah so, he wants to read a book b/c of a movie. Yeah well in the 9 years I've been with him, he has yet to read a book for pleasure, he reads, just not books. Esp not fiction books, not that he has anything against them, he just doesn't enjoy it like I do. However, he wants to read this so I'm soo stoked and can't wait.

Onto other stuff, I am now in the process of coughing my head off and attempting to lose a lung, yeah I don't think I need to lungs, people get by on one lung all the time right? So see no biggie lol. Yeah thanks to our lovely weather that wants to play havoc with my body, I am now coughing and congested in my upper chest and kind of stuffy. Thanks weather, thanks sinuses, thanks stupid body of mine. Oh well I'll live, I think. Oh and L's kind of doing better but not too much, she's still coughing like crazy oh and we should find out the results of the blood test (yeah I know I didn't blog about it, I will later lol) tomorrow.

Oh and though it's not still her birthday here in my time zone it is in hers so I have to send a shout out to my wonderful friend (probably my youngest friend lol :P) Lesslie Lamphere, love her to death, she is a great woman and mom and wife and she just adopted the cutest little puppy named Eve (pronounced Eva) and I just want to wish her a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! So if you want to say Happy Birthday even if it's belated, she's a follower of my blog, hers is Two Little Lampheres, go say hi even if you don't know her, she's soo worth it. Hope you had a great day Less!

Hmm I almost forgot one other thing. I got a new phone today YAY, an iPhone, I've wanted one for a while and hubby and I decided that we were sick of dealing with our other phones and the company we were with that we would just go ahead and get the iPhones and they are our presents to ourselves/each other for our 7th anniversary. Not bad if I do say so myself. Now I get to play with a new toy LOL I love new toys. Esp since it doesn't come with a manual, I have to figure out everything on my own. Hey it's like a mystery I have to solve, FUN! So anyways, that's it I think hmmm yeah I think so. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Cloudy!

2009-01-23T13:38:00.006-05:00

My head is cloudy today. A conversation or I should say conversations took place last night and my emotions and thoughts were all over the place. So now my head is cloudy, I'm not sure what is up and what is down. I hate when things happen and you can't take them back and you can't fix them and you can't change them and people get hurt and people are forever changed b/c of something. It's not fair to them it's not fair to you it's not fair period. Sometimes I wish I didn't let my emotions get the best of me but I do. I have yet to learn how to control them, to keep them from getting away. I think that is my biggest fault by far. That and I care too much about others, yes I think there is such a thing. Oh and over thinking is the other that is right up there with it. So two things that can get me into trouble and have gotten me into trouble or into places that I didn't want to be. I wish I could be like some people and control what I feel but I can't, not as much as I would like. I feel too deeply even for friends.

My friends online, even though I haven't met them or most of them, we have formed a friendship and I would be very upset to lose them. Some I have lost and it hurts, b/c when you're online, it's all about putting yourself out there, especially when you are completely and totally honest with them. It makes you vulnerable, raw, easy to get hurt by small things and even more so by big things. There are a few people that I have opened myself up to and some I wish I hadn't b/c I have been hurt. But that's life, I can't live life thinking every person I open up to is going to hurt me. That's just stupid. So anyways, today I am cloudy and in my own little world I guess you can say. My mind is over thinking and my emotions are over feeling. So anyways that's me, in a nutshell for today. Forecast I hope is clearer for tomorrow.

Valentines Day Poll

2009-01-22T15:15:00.003-05:00

Next month is Valentines Day so I posted a Poll to see what you think are the best gifts to give or get. If you vote, could you put whether you voted as the receipt or the giver? I'm curious to see what everyone thinks is the best for getting and giving. You can do it anonymous if you want.

Cold and Florida Really?

2009-01-22T13:09:00.004-05:00

Those are not usually two words that go together. Yes it does get cold here and people don't usually think it's cold, they do the sarcastic What 60 Degrees is cold? Hmm well last night it got way down below freezing, yep that's right, here in Tampa, it got below 32 degrees. Tell me that's not cold, especially for here in FL. I went out this morning when it was 25 degrees to grab my camera just so I could get pictures b/c there was ice on everyone's car. I know I know, that's nothing, but remember where I'm at? That's not something you see all the time. It sucks we got the freezing weather without the snow, how is that even fair? Anyways, it's suppose to get down to 30 tonight but I'm betting it gets colder than that. Oh and then yay for us, it shoots back up to warm and then I guranatee it will shoot back down and we'll be freezing again. This weather is just beyond wacky and freaky, it's annoying and needs to make up it's mind what season it wants to be in. It's nice though I will say to have a change from it being just plain ol hot and humid to cold and humid lol. So here's a pic I took, I tried to take more but um a certain little girl who shall remain nameless lol has been playing with my camera and ran my battery down so all I managed was one picture b/c it shut itself off.

9 Years and counting

2009-01-16T08:49:00.003-05:00

9 years ago today, Kenny and I decided to date. I would have to say that it was one of the best days of my life. Not b/c of some great thing that happened that day but b/c it was the start of our life together, it was the beginning of our journey, a long hard,fun,sometimes easy, exciting journey. We have had so many ups and downs and gone through so much yet we're always there for each other. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life this way. We have seen deaths, friendships come and go, heartache with each other, we have not had a perfect relationship but it's been perfect for us. God has blessed us with each other and I'm so thankful that he's my husband, my soulmate, my best friend lover, confident everything that I need and want and so much more. The one I get to spend the rest of my life with. We really were meant for each other. Our relationship is like none other that I have come across. We have changed a lot in the last 9 years but I think for the best. In about 2 weeks we will be celebrating our 7 year wedding anniversary. It's hard to think that for almost a decade I've been with one person and one person has been able to tolerate me and who I am lol.

I am not an easy person but he loves me despite that. He knew what he was getting into with me and still loved me. He has helped change me in so many ways that I needed to change, he's been there for me, he's listen to me moan and groan about things and been happy for me when I was happy about something even though he could care less (achem Twilight lol) He's been my rock and he's been my greatest support in my life in the last 9 years. I thank God for him everyday and can't wait tosee what the next 9,18, 30 years bring for us as a couple. So baby Happy 9 year anniversary of being together. I love you tons and could never love another like I love you.

E Day Feb 19

2009-01-13T20:49:00.003-05:00

Feb 19 was just scheduled for me to take L to get evaluated. We will then find out what's going on with her and why she has been the way she has. To see if my gut feeling is right (which I soo hope it's not, this is the one time I want to be wrong about my parenting intuition) or to see if I'm completely off. Either way we will finally find out what's going on. Just having the appointment is such a weight lifted off of me. I have a few friends who can understand that feeling and wow, it's amazing how much lighter you feel but at the same time I'm feeling all the emotions that I've suppressed for so long with this whole thing. The thoughts in my mind are going rampant and wow it's like a flood gate has been opened. So anyways, we will finally get to have something done or get somewhere other than where we are now.

So I am going to call Feb 19 E Day for Evaluation Day lol. Silly corny I don't care, you have no idea how much this means to me to have some help finally. To be able to not be in the dark about where my little girl has gone and what is going on in that noggin of hers. Maybe life can get back to some normalcy (yeah right who am I kidding it was never normal to begin with). I think I just might start a countdown ticker or would that be in bad taste? LOL I am truly excited you just have no idea but I'm also anxious to get it done and find out what's going on. Ahhh all these emotions all at once. I am going to need to see someone if this keeps happening.

Polls, let me know what you think, me being nosy what else is new!

2009-01-13T20:38:00.002-05:00

So I'm doing something a little different now, I've added a poll and will do a new one every week or maybe sooner, depends on how often people vote. If you have any suggestions you can send them to me and I'll put them up. I think it's fun to see what people like or don't like or what their thoughts are and it's anonymous too. So go vote, I started off with something easy and common and yummy this week. If you think it's stupid please tell me. If you think it's ok tell me, and if you like it tell me. And please go and place your vote :) I'm nosy and curious as always lol

Secrets

2009-01-13T03:59:00.002-05:00

We all have them, some small some big. I have become over the year or so, when I first came across PostSecret, obsessed with secrets. Beyond obsessed. I love hearing people's secrets, it's amazing the kinds of secrets that people have. Some I have had myself in the past and to see that someone else has it or has had it makes you feel somewhat normal that you yourself had it and it's not so odd to have that secret. I frequent PostSecret and another site textsecret all the time. PostSecret even has a Myspace and Facebook page so I get extra secrets there too. I have put my number on both so that people can text me their secrets and I have gotten secrets and told them mine. I have met a couple of people through it and we still keep in touch through texting which is pretty neat. I've recently received a text from someone in London which was really cool that they would text someone so far away to tell them their secret.

It's very liberating to tell a stranger a secret that you don't feel you could tell anyone else, so even if you don't want to put your number on one of the places, you can always choose someone and send out your secret. I do encourage you to tell someone b/c it does help. And go read some of the secrets out there, they will change you and some will tug at your heart. Frank Warren is awesome for coming up with this idea and putting it out there for everyone to see and be a part of.

This week couldn't be over sooner! (yes I changed the name lol)

2009-01-11T05:26:00.003-05:00

I'm soo dang glad this week is over. It didn't start off good and it isn't ending good. I am glad today is Sunday, hopefully nothing goes wrong today. I just want to crawl into a cave, a hole somewhere and hide. If this week is any indication of how my year is going to be then I'm done, the year is over for me, lock me up and throw away the key, ok I know melodramatic but seriously I"m over it all ready. Between the stress and the crying and the frustration and the hurting and just feeling every single feeling all at once I'm done. I didn't know a person was capable of feeling so much at one time. I felt like I was going to implode,explode whatever, I was going to do something and it wasn't going to be a pretty sight. So yeah Sunday, the last day of the week and I swear if anything happens I'm gonna scream. I really am. So if you hear someone screaming, know it's me and know that something happened. I just want good thing to happen today. I have an idea of what I want to happen but know it won't but I can always dream right? Someone out there can possibly make my dream true I'm sure, but you'll never know what it is lol If you can figure it out and do it then you are just freaking awesome and would make me one happy person

UPDATE!!!!
Today I would have to say is the best day out of the whole week. It wasn't stress free but it wasn't stressful either. So the end of my week is ok. Lets see how next week goes!!

Quiz/Survey!!!

2009-01-11T00:26:00.003-05:00

This is something I found on my blog from MySpace from over a year ago. Put your name in the comments and I'll Edit this Post to answer for whoever puts their name down.

Okay, so just post your name and I'll take over from there following the steps below:

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song or movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle you in. (Don't ask... it was just in the list)
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.

A word that can heal!

2009-01-10T06:50:00.003-05:00

SORRY!!

That one word in my opinion has soo much power. It can do a lot of good. It can heal someones heart,feelings, state of mind. It's not the cure all but it does do a lot of good for someone. It's also a word that is used very flippantly. I am guilty of this, I apologize for soo much that I sometimes wonder if I use it with someone are they going to take it the way that I mean it. We teach our kids at a young age to say sorry, we use it when we bump into someone to appease them (which just goes to show that it does work even for minor things). We use it when someone is down and we want to convey to them that we are sorry for what they are going through. It's got many meanings and many uses but I have found that no matter what, when it's needed most it is the word that works the best.

No matter what it is, sometimes it's the only word that ever needs to be spoken, the only word someone needs to hear. No explanation and no drawn out speech. Just SORRY or I'm Sorry or some form of it. It's amazing how such a simple word that we use day in and day out can heal a broken heart, hurt feelings, hurt ego, hurt relationships. How many times in our marriages or other relationships do we have a hard time saying it? We want theo ther person to say it before us, it's not our fault, it's not up to us, but sometimes it is up to us, sometimes it's up to us to take that first step. Even if it's later on, someone needs to step up and say it, otherwise the healing can't begin.

Other than using it like I casually do sometimes I have had to use it many times with people and it has helped me recently and in the past to heal. Some it took a while to hear it from someone, and some I got it right away.Some I would love to hear it b/c I know that it will help. As long as it's meant and not just said to say. Even if someone doesn't fully know why or remember why they are saying sorry, sometimes it still helps. So yeah that's my whole thought on the word and the meaning. So if you feel like you need to tell someone sorry for something that you did to them, I say go and say it, it might just be the thing that they need to hear at that time.

When was the last time you had to say you're sorry? The last time someone said it to you? Did it help at all or was it just words out of their mouth?

Update on L

2009-01-09T07:12:00.003-05:00

So I took her to the Dr. they had me get her sinuses x rayed and they are clear. What does that mean? It means that she doesn't have a sinus infection. However he wants or the nurse wants to put her on a week of antibiotics (if any bacteria are still alive after this week I'm gonna be shocked) and for us to come back next week to see him. I'm so over going to Drs. It's annoying. So keep your fingers crossed or pray that this helps and her cough is gone. I'm tired of telling people what she is on and what she is doing and blah blah blah. So lets recap. We're going on week 4 of her having this darn cough. It's gotten better but not completely and with all that she has done, it should be gone. She's been doing her breathing treatments 4 times a day minimum. She's been on steroids and an antibiotic and now she has a cough syrup with codeine and she's gonna be on another antibiotic. Seriously that's alot of meds in 3 weeks time in my opinion. So I hope we can get it taken care of.

As for other news, some of you know that I believe without a shadow of a doubt that L is bipolar. Well I talked to her Dr and he gave me names of pediatric psychatrist that will work with kids her age. I'm so over hearing we wont' touch a child till they are 8. I can't wait 3 more years for her to get help. It's gotten bad. I haven't really told many of you but it's gotten really violent. Wed night after church was the worst. K has got the scars or I should say scratch to prove it. I've got the bruise from her biting me and luckily she's got nothing from her almost jumping out of my arms and hitting her head on the concrete sidewalk as I was carrying her out the door. She needs help, I can't do it anymore I'm done with trying. Its beyond any kind of behavioral modification. She needs some serious help. So I'm going to get that for her, if she's not bipolar then we'll find out what is going on at least. We will/should have an appointment in Feb b/c they aren't taking new patients till then. So keep your fingers crossed and pray for us to get in there as soon as possible.

So over this! They better do something!

2009-01-07T10:08:00.003-05:00

So once again for the 3rd week in a row, I'm having to take Loralei back to the Dr. Let's see, we've been doing the breathing treatments and then steroids and then an antibiotic. I was told that if she wasn't better by Tues to bring her in. I'm so tired of my poor child having to deal with coughing non stop and losing sleep because of it. So I will be taking her to the Dr for the 3rd time. I hope and pray that they find something. I think today they will be doing a chest x ray.Ugh lets see what happens. One more week of lets try this and see and I'm gonna scream, we're going on a month in a couple days.

Losing Friends

2009-01-07T01:19:00.002-05:00

I hate losing friends. Friends that you can open and honest with. Friends that mean a lot to you. I've recently lost a friend and it sucks. It feels like you've lost a part of you. I wish that I could work things out with this friend and that things could be better down the road but I know it will never happen. Things ended quickly and we didn't get to discuss anything. I have so many questions that will go unanswered but that's life. We all lose someone at one point or another. I've lost many friends over my lifetime. With how I grew up and moved all the time, I've lost many. Some have come back into my life some I doubt will ever come back into my life. Some I will miss dearly and not be able to keep promises I made to them (which I think they already knew what I was promising was true already and it is, just took me losing them to really realize it) , some I will not miss, some I hardly remember anything about them. But people come into our lives for a reason, to make us see things about ourselves or to make us see things about others in our lives. The person I lost made me see a lot about myself and made me open myself up more to who I am. I thank that person for the friendship and hope that life turns out ok, that things can be taken care of with time. I hope that they can more than anything. It's amazing how much love you can have for people and how much you can miss them. Life moves on, but you are forever changed. One day, I hope to be in contact with this friend after things smooth over but I doubt that will happen like I said. I love the friendships I've made over the years and even recently. I've gotten to know some wonderful people and wouldn't change anything (ok so maybe a few things that resulted in the end of the friendships) about any of them. They made me who I am as well as the rest of the people in my life.

UGH

2009-01-04T17:09:00.003-05:00

Yes if you know me, you know I use that word a lot lol and THAT is how I am feeling right now. I feel like total and utter crap. Physically, emotionally and mentally (ok mentally well that's just not a new one lol) I hate days when I feel like this it just sucks. I hate feeling like crap. I feel lazy and uninspired to do anything and I want to be productive. I want to be well somewhat normal (b/c we all know I will NEVER be normal) and be able to just do things. I'm going to give myself some me time today. I decided I need me time. I've needed me time. So I'm going to do it, it's nothing special but it's time without a child. So I'm headed out. Fun here I come, well for me anyways, I love sitting in a bookstore reading and hanging out with good friends.

Being a Parent and making decisions

2008-12-26T06:31:00.002-05:00

It sucks sometimes. It sucks having to make decisions on things that you aren't sure about. Like last night, I was trying to figure out if I should take Loralei to the ER or not b/c her cough just doesn't want to go away and it seems to be getting worse. So I took her stripped both of us down and turned the water to as hot as we both could stand (more as hot as she can stand) and sat in the tub with the shower to create steam. I do this for me with my sinus issues. Well it worked, poor thing was soo exhausted. She had been trying to go to sleep and just couldnt' b/c everytime she laid down she started coughing, she fell asleep sitting up against me. She was soo peaceful looking. But then I started losing feeling in my arm and couldn't stand to be in there anymore so I knocked on the wall for K to help me and he was out, THANKS HONEY!!!! So I ended up having her wake up b/c there is no way I could lift her out of the tub anymore. So she went to bed, sleeping in my bed up against all of my pillows and she has been sleeping since. I could probably go to bed but I don't want to wake her up.

I will however need to get some sleep since I'm taking her to the Dr today. I need to get this taken care of. Treatments aren't working and she can't keep going on like this. It's been over a week and nothing is working. She has never had an issue with her asthma like this before and it worries me, maybe it's not her asthma (I'm praying it's not) and it's something else, but she says her chest feels tight and then when she lays down she starts coughing, I think it is. So if you pray, please lift Loralei up in prayer today and that it's nothing serious and just something that we can change or do differently or meds can help. I should be thankful b/c she's basically been asthmatic since she was born and this is the worst we've had besides last year when we got into the car accident and she almost had croup, but that cleared up in 3 days. I hate going to the Drs it just sucks. Being a parent is hard. Making the decisions for someone else is not always fun. Sometimes I wish I had a magic 8 ball that could just tell me what to do and I wouldn't have to second guess myself or my decision. I do have a magic 8 ball and I listened to Him last night that's why she is now sleeping in my bed and we're not at the ER. Ok I think I might try to snuggle up to her without interrupting her sleep.

Christmas

2008-12-24T02:25:00.004-05:00

So we are less than 24 hours away from Christmas officially being here and I'm actually excited. Sad that it has taken me so long to get excited for Christmas but I am and that's all that matters. Sad b/c I allowed all the stuff that shouldn't get to me to cloud why I really celebrate Christmas, what Christmas means to me, why it's not just a day of presents and food and family. For me it's the celebration, the birthday of my Savior, my Lord, Jesus. A little over 2000 years ago He was born in a manger and died 33 years later for me. I am sad with myself that I let the hoopla that has been created in today's society cloud and affect how I should have been feeling all along. Happy and in awe, rejoicing His birth, content in all that He has done for me and those around me.

I got soo caught up in the wordly aspect of it all, the shopping (or lack there of for me) for presents for people, the whole we have to do this and do that, all the issues that come with Christmas year after year. I got to help people out this year. Our church among about 21 other churches got together and did this thing called Feed the Bay. It was really neat. After church (and sitting through one of the shortest sermons I've ever sat through in my life, no lie it was like 10 mins max lol) people from the churches went shopping for food, not for ourselves or our families but for others. We were given a list of foods that food pantries need and so we went and shopped for them then gave them to the drop off places right there at the store. The two major chains here Publix and Sweetbay (Sweetbay rocked b/c they gave 5% of the what was bought back to Feed the Bay) were who sponsored it. Then my Lifegroup went to a Food Pantry and we helped stock the shelves. There was soo much food (in total we all collected about 270,000lbs of food) but yet it was going to be no where near enough to last them very long. Yet it felt good to help out, even that tiny bit that I did. Then we just gave money to help build wells in other countries where they don't have running water or even anything close to clean water to Water for Life . It was just money to us but it was more than that, it was us giving what we would have used for presents to help others giving something that would only make others temporarily happy to those that will affect their lives forever.

My Lifegroup adopted this family who have 4 kids, the mother is on disability and the father had to stop working to help take care of her and the kids (the kids are 10, 4,3,and 2). So they didn't know how they were going to give them a Christmas this year esp with how the economy has been. I took the 10 year old as I have a 10 year old sister as some of you know and she likes all the things that this 10 year old liked plus Loralei likes it too so it was easy for me. So here's the funny/cool part. I was emailing my Lifegroup leader to tell them we would take the 10 year old. I didn't even pay attention to the name just the age and Loralei was talking and was like oh Destiny (my sister) is 10 too, that's cool mommy. Then I look down at my phone (which is where I was emailing from) and saw the name of the little girl. Her name is also Destiny. So anyways I just thought that was kind of cool and neat and would share :) So I hope they have a Merry Christmas and we know that the parents are very thankful for the gifts for the kids as they repeatedly tell our Lifegroup leader.

So it felt good to help those people and put things back into perspective of what this holiday is all about. Giving and helping and loving and just being with those that you love and care for and remembering what the day is all about to me and many others, the birth of Jesus Christ. Not presents, not food, not having a good ol time. There is nothing wrong with any of that, but that's not what Christmas is about, not to me anyways. It's remembering that Christ was born for us so that He could die 33 years later so that we could one day go to Heaven when we die if we choose to accept Him as our Savior and ask for forgiveness of our sins. His Love for us!

We also scaled back on what we are getting/got Loralei for Christmas. We are not going overboard anymore. This child has more toys and clothes and books and whatever else you can think of than she knows what to do with them. So we just got her a few things and that's it. Nothing huge or special. We didn't get a tree this year b/c of her behavior and her not listening, now before someone gasps and goes OMG how could you not get a tree, she has a tree that is like 2 feet that we are going to use, it's not like she has some huge presents she is getting from us so it doesn't matter. It was actually nice to not have to worry about a tree this year. Though possibly it would have helped me get in the Christmas mood but who knows lol

So Christmas is almost here and I'm excited. Can't wait to see how she reacts to her presents we got her and to celebrate the birth of my Savior. Oh and to have good yummy food too doesn't hurt :) Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!! Love all of you and wish I could be with you all on Christmas, we could have some fun! God Bless everyone!

Food Porn

2008-12-10T14:33:00.004-05:00

Ok so my friends and I talk about food ALL the time, we are probably obsessed with food. We even share food porn with each other. Man our mouths are sometimes watering soo bad it's not even funny. Food is just awesome. How could you not like food?? Imagine your favorite food. You see it right? Now look at it and think about how good it makes you feel, and you notice there is no one else around, just you and your favorite food, nothing else matters at this point and time. It's just soo delicious looking your mouth starts to water, then you start remembering what it tastes like, how it feels in your mouth, how you want to just eat it all at once but take it slowly as well, you want to savor it and enjoy it as much as you can. The smell, the smell is just intoxicating and alluring and you can't help yourself but to smile and moan a little (come on admit it, when you eat it you do that little grunting moan). It tastes soo good going down, you keep enjoying yourself over and over till its gone. Then that's when it hits ya, you're dreaming, your drooling over a dream. Ok so wipe your mouth and go get it, your favorite food and enjoy it b/c that's what food is for, to enjoy and embrace and have a good time with. It's the only thing you can selfishly get away with doing and no one can say anything.

So do it, you know you want to. Oh and as for the Food Porn, go look up some awesome pictures, but share them here or with me and I'll put them up on another blog for everyone to see. I want to see some Food Porn, how about you? The best picture gets a gift, not sure what yet, but I'll figure something out. So get others that you know to find pictures but don't tell them what it's for lol that way you'll win. Can't wait to see what you guys send me. send it to chefshannon06@yahoo.com

No Worries!

2008-12-05T20:25:00.002-05:00

Ok so it has been brought to my attention by a loving friend she knows who she is and I thank her for her concern, she's awesome. Anyways, in case anyone was concerened about my last two blogs I'm just down right now. I have a lot on my mind. That's why I started this, to get stuff out and it's helping to some degree. Anyways, I'm fine, I'm not depressed, I'm in a depressed state which for me are two different things. I'm just down in the dumps and I'm trying to get out. Writing helps me do that. I am happy, I'm loving life, just hating some things in it right now or not feeling like wanting to like some things in it. So if you were wondering, there's you're answer for those who didn't want to ask. And for that one, Love ya, you're awesome, did I mention that already? lol I love you guys and thanks if you were worried/wondering about me. I appreciate it.

Christmas Spirit!!

2008-12-05T17:21:00.002-05:00

Ok so I woke up this morning and realized something. I'm soo not in the Christmas mindset. I don't know why. I have a few theories but not too sure. Usually I'm all about Christmas right after Thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong I am soo wanting Christmas to come, I want to celebrate what it means to me which is the celebration of the birth of my Savior Jesus Christ, but I just can't seem to get that "holiday cheer". I have bought one present, count them 1 present and that was just something I picked up and didn't put much thought into. I want to decorate but at the same time I'm like eh it's not that big of a deal. THAT is soo not like me. I want my holiday cheer, not having it is depressing me. I DON"T want to be depressed, NO I will not let it happen.

I think part of the reason is I have just had soo much stress and I'm not looking forward to the stress that is involved with the whole Christmas ordeal. I don't feel like shopping for Loralei b/c I think I feel deep down I just don't want to give her anything b/c of the year I've had with her. I know that sounds mean but when you get as tired and stressed out as I have with her you would probably feel the same way. Those of you that have talked with me during my times like that you soo know what I'm talking about. I want to get her some things, things that have meaning, things she needs but I just don't feel it. I'm not excited like I normally am. I'm not as excited to get our tree and pull out the deocrations and make my tree look beautiful. In all honesty I just want to go away for Christmas, just time for the 3 of us. To have time to ourselves. I feel like we're constantly doing stuff or Kenny is constantly working that we don't have time as a family. I just want a normal Christmas without stress. I want Christmas to feel like Christmas.

UGH with myself.

2008-12-04T02:25:00.002-05:00

So I'm just going to ramble b/c I have so much going on in my head. I don't even know what to talk about. I don't have some story. I'm frustrated (mostly with myself), I'm annoyed, I'm vulnerable. I'm just UGH, oh and did I mention I'm going on like no sleep in the last oh 36+ hours. I couldn't get to sleep so I was talking to a friend (thanks for talking with me :o) ) and then I tried to lay down and go to sleep but couldn't b/c well I just couldn't, so I was texting with another friend. Then we went to Orlando to see if we could get Kenny some shoes, didn't get him any but I found a pair of jeans (YAY me, I have a hard time finding clothes). But before that we ate at Chevy's, it's not bad Mexican food, it's just different than what I usually get.

Then I was searching for sunglasses. With my face and needing the glasses to be really dark it's becoming almost impossible to find sunglasses that fit me. I have been looking for like a month now and esp need them b/c the ones I have now are broken. So yeah that's what we did tonight. But I'm annoyed b/c for the past 3 days I have been off on my days, somehow I have thought or felt or whatever you want to call it that I was a day ahead, Monday for some reason I kept feeling/thinking it was actually Tues, I even said to my friend Joy, hey want to sit together at First Wed tomorrow night and I realized b/c I had looked at something that it was only Monday. You would think it would end there and I would be fine, NOPE, yesterday same thing, for some reason I thought it was Wed which is quite odd since I would have been thinking I needed to go to First Wednesday but I didn't feel like that, so that brings me to today. We're in the mall, Loralei is on one of those coin operated kiddie rides that we all use to love when we were little but they were all lame compared to now, so anyways she was on that and it dawn on me that it was Wednesday today. OMG Seriously? It was 8pm when I realized what day it was and what we were missing. So we missed First Wednesday. I am not happy with myself that I did that, I hate when I'm soo off in my head about things.

I am just annoyed and frustrated with myself that I let things slip. It's not even b/c I was tired, b/c what would explain Monday and Tues?? I wasn't that tired then. I sometimes feel like my head is soo not attached to me. That saying if my head wasn't attached I'd lose it soo applies to me. I forget things all the time, where I put them where I got them, what I need to do with them. It sucks, life sucks with a brain like mine. Then it doesn't help to have a child who doesnt' want to listen. OMG someone I am going to string her up by her toes. I feel more than what a broken record probably feels like and then some. So anyways, there's my vent and frustration blog for today at least. I just hope the rest of my week goes better b/c if not well then IDK what I'm going to do. Oh and did I mention I'm NO where ready for Christams? I haven't bought anything, we haven't decorated yet (hopefully) this weekend. I haven't even begun my shopping, though it's only a few things I still don't know what to get people especially my daughter who has EVERYTHING.

So yeah that's what I'm daeling with. I have a few ideas for others but that's a different thing for a different day. I'm thinking with how tired I am right this second that I will read this tomorrow after I've slept and just laugh at myself. Is there such thing as sleep deprived blogging you know like drunk blogging or whatever? Man if you were with me in real life talking to me, I'm sure I would make no sense at all (ok so more so than normal lol). So with that I'm going to go. Hopefully head to bed and get some much much much needed sleep.

Auntie Shannon

2008-11-28T23:15:00.002-05:00

Okay so I think I'm the last person alive that I know who has siblings and is not an Aunt. Well that is changing or will change next June. My sister is almost 10 weeks pregnant. I'm excited for them for the their little blessing. And this finally makes me an Aunt. I'm the oldest of 6 kids so after this I will be an Aunt several times over I'm sure. Anyways, I hope that I can be a good Aunt, one that my niece or nephew will say I want to see Aunt Shannon and my sister will be glad to send her/him over lol. This will be one role I have yet to fill. I'm an "Aunt" to kids of friends but it's not the same. So a new role is awaiting me and I look forward to it. And of course I spoil any kids that I know so yeah mommy and daddy better watch out lol I have pictures of him/her but I want to get permission to put them up, once I do, I will show you my niece/nephew and how cute she/he is already lol.

My thoughts on parenting at this moment!

2008-11-28T16:38:00.002-05:00

Being a parent is hard, probably the hardest yet most rewarding job I have ever and probably will ever have in my entire life. Right now, it sucks. Loralei is sick, I think she has food poisoning from eating shrimp yesterday. She has thrown up twice and could be dubbed a stand in for The Exorcist that's how bad it was. So I called her Dr and they told me to take her to the ER. Yeah the old saying Easier said than done has come into play.

She is terrified, not of the hospital, not of the Drs but that she will have to get a shot. Last time we went to the Drs we had to hold her down for a shot in the butt. It took me, a nurse that is my size but a little taller and one other nurse to give her the shot and that was still hard. The whole time she was screaming don't touch me, you're the worst mother ever, I don't like you, I hate you. Don't ever touch me again. All the while staring in my eyes with a begging and a pleading look I have never seen. It looked as if she felt like I violated her and I feel like I did. I violated that trust that a mother and child has, that protection that comfort, that I will keep all harm from you. To her she didn't see that I was trying to protect her and keep her from harm and I know that I was doing what was best but it doesn't make it any easier to remember or think about, esp when you're having to reason with your child that they need to go to the ER.

A piece of me that day changed, a piece that is forever changed. I don't know how to explain it but I changed a little bit b/c of that day with her. I will never be able to go back to the way I was before having to restrain my child to allow someone to give her a shot, it went against everything in me to do that and I don't know that I could ever do it again. I also realized that day that in so many ways even though I am married and her daddy is very much involved that b/c of his work schedule, I am very much in many many ways a single mom. When it comes to things like this, to where I need to take her to the ER while he is at work I feel like a single mom. When I'm having to take care of her for 90% of the time, I feel like a single mom. Yes I have some help when I need it from him, but so do single moms, just in different ways. The one thing I have that they don't is I have the support of her father and my husband. Other than that in all the other ways I'm a single mom, I make all the decisons that concern her, I'm her disciplinarian 90% of the time, I take care of her 90% of the time, all on my own, with no one to help. I am the one that is always there when she gets an owie, or something good happens. I am not complaining,just realizing that this is how my life is. Would I change it? Possibly, a little but it's what I know and all I know, so I'm fine with it most days, just not when she's sick and there's a possiblity that I will have to hold her down for a shot or worse for them to take blood from her (hopefully they don't have to do that).

Anyways that's it. I'm done. I'm heading off to take her to the ER b/c she is such a good little girl and realized she needs to go. I just hope that they don't have to give her a shot or take blood or do an IV b/c then OMG I will lose it.

Lucky 7

2008-11-26T23:06:00.003-05:00

Lucky 7 Tag

My first tag on a blog, Thanks Jen!

7 things I can do...
1- Sew
2- Write
3- Find a logical reason to buy Loralei new clothes.
4- Make people laugh.
5- Cook.
6- Text while driving. (I didn't say it was a good idea!)
7- stay up all night and still function somewhat the next day

7 things I can't do...
1- Crochet/Knit
2- Lie to certain people in my life.
3- Pay full price for most things I buy, it just goes against everything in my nature.
4- move and use my body the way I use to 10 years ago (if I do Im paying for it the next day)
5- remember things, yeah I have a horrible memory.
6- listen to horrible horrible music
7- Change the past.

7 things I always say...
1- Seriously
2- Really?
3- Where are my keys?
4- Stupid idiot drivers who don't know how to freaking drive get out of the way!
5- Loralei stop screaming/squealing/being loud/throwing a fit
6- Hold on a sec/In a min (usually to a very impatient Loralei)
7- OMG You have got to be kidding me

7 things I always eat...
1- Cheese
2- Italian Food
3- Doritos (cheese and cooler ranch)
4- BREAD
5- Ham
6- Chicken
7- something sweet

7 people I tag...
1-Rachel
2-Lesslie
3-Amanda J
4-Josh
5- Amanda G
6- Denis
7-Ali

Fear

2008-11-26T21:39:00.003-05:00

I never really truly knew what I was fearful of growing up. I mean yeah I was afraid of snakes and spiders and things like that, but to me that wasn't fear, not deep down fear. I was afraid of losing my mom or dad and not sure what would happen if he died when I was younger, would I have to take care of my siblings, I even had a whole plan for if it ever came down to that, but it wasn't fear to me, it was just being afraid. Some people think they are the same and I agree they are for the most part. But in my mind fear and being afraid are somewhat different. Fear is a deep down feeling, something that you can't get over, something that just doesn't go away with a tiny bit of trying. I have a few fears, ones that I've always had but never really realized and then some that happened b/c of changes in my life.

My first fear that I realized I had would be when I met my husband. I am soo fearful to lose him, I really don't know what would happen if something were to happen to him to take him away from me. I don't know that I could go on to love someone else, I don't know that I could ever feel loved by someone like I do him. Besides Christ, he is my rock, my everything, he has been through so much with me, both mentally,physically and emotionally. He is my best friend, the one I go to to talk no matter what. He knows me better than anyone else on this earth. My wants, my needs, my desires. Even if he doesn't want to hear something b/c it's mundane, he listens and just gives me that smile or laughs at me. I have literally cried thinking about it and even now I feel the fear just writing about it. It fills my whole body and I hate it. I hate that I even have to think about it, but I do b/c I have to be prepared for whatever might come. I hope it doesn't come soon, if it does, I'm sure I can face this fear, but I don't want to, in the meantime, I'll stay in denial over it. May not be the healthiest way but it's working so far.

My second deepest fear that I realized and is the biggest fear of any that I have is the fear of something horrible happening to Loralei. To some I come across as overprotective, as smothering etc... I'm not no matter what anyone says. Time and time again I have had it proven to me that how I am with her is very justified. I have had my fear reaffirmed over and over that something horrible can happen and I know that if it does, I will be lost. Yes I know Christ is there for me, but I know and can see and can feel how I will be if something ever happened to her. I could not deal with losing her. It scares me to no end and is something that is constantly on my mind and part of my reason for not getting sleep. I feel like I need to be able to keep an eye out on her b/c something could happen. That is irrational somewhat but it's hard to change what your mind thinks and has thought for 5+years. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I already was protective. I think part of it comes from being the oldest of so many siblings and how we grew up, the type of home we grew up in. I made a promise that she would not grow up in the lifestlye and home that I did. That will not happen to her. She will get what she deserves and nothing less. I will do what I have to to keep my child safe and happy and here with me, if that's called being overprotective then so be it. I'm overprotective and I'm proud of it, but I will never regret it b/c I will have my child with me and I will be enjoying every minute with her that I have.

My third fear and this is a deep one and one I need to work on and have been working on and most likely will continue to work on is rejection. This is a fear I have had for as long as I can remember but didn't know about it till I got older. I know that sounds odd but I never thought I had any fears like this so if you don't think you have any fears like this, then it's hard to recognize that you do, did that make sense? lol I am deeply fearful of rejection of any kind. It doesn't matter what it is. Affection, attention, anything that I can be rejected for I fear it. For the most part I come across as confident (well at least I think I do) and put together, well at least at first to others, maybe not to those who truly know me deep down. I am not sure how to totally get rid of it, I want to, I hate fearing rejection b/c then it brings on anxiety and a whole mess of other feelings. It's my biggest downfall I think I have about me. It's made relationships I've had and have difficult sometimes, it makes it hard for me to take what someone says as truth when it concerns me, not that I think that they are lying really, but that anything good is hard to hear and believe. I think I know where it all started, actually Im pretty sure I know where it all started and I wish that it never happened, but at the same time, the things that created this fear have helped to make me who I am today. I fear if someone doesn't say hi to me, if someone ignores me, if someone forgets about me or says something that seems like it's mean. I have a hard time sometimes with what others say and have to overanalyze to make sure that it's not them rejecting me. I sometimes take innocent things or innocent sarcasm as some sort of rejection. It doesn't help that I have been rejected many many times and not in minor ways. I fear my friends and loved ones will reject me and some might and I have to learn to be ok with that. I have to learn that everyone isn't going to like me deep down and learn to live with it.

And my last fear is that I am not going to be the mother that I need to be for my daughter. I fear everyday that I may somehow not do what I need to do, that I haven't done what I needed to do. I know I'm a good mom, but am I the best mom for her. With all that we are going through with her, I fear that I am not doing what all I can, that I'm some how making things worse. I fear that I may be to late to help her. I fear that my parenting is not what is best for her. I am soo feraful that her life is not at it's best and that I can and could do better. I know this is a fear that all moms have but it is one that does consume me sometimes. I strive to be the best I can be and I know that's all I can do, but it still doesn't take my fear away. I don't want her to grow up and have something to say about how I raised her and that I could have done better. I am soo fearful that one day she wishes that I was not her mother and mean it and that I was not a good mother to her. I know where this stems from, but I can't help it. I don't want to be that mother to her, she deserves better than that.

So I have laid out my fears, ha that was a very fearful thing for me to do. I just put so much of me out there and I feel wow, not even sure how I feel. I'm nervous and I'm scared but it is what it is. It's part of me, it's who I am and it's part of what drives me.

Just some stuff!

2008-11-26T13:04:00.001-05:00

So I have this bad bad habit of writing something and then editing it. On boards that I'm on, I will write something post it then go back almost immediately and just erase the whole thing. When I write something out, very rarely do I not edit the heck out of it. A friend of mine noticed this and I didn't realize that it was that evident. Why am I saying this? Hmm b/c I just wrote 3 different things and got frustrated and just erased all of them and am now writing this instead. My problem is, I have so much that goes through my head I loose my focus and my flow isn't right and it frustrates me and I just get rid of it. It's easier for me to do that than to try to go back and make it work. Lazy? Maybe.I think it's more a personality trait thing as well as me being a perfectionist and OCD lol. I am going to try not to do that b/c I do have things to say, I know that some of it is good, some of it is EH ok, and some will be quite boring to some but that's ok, b/c it's all mine and that's all that matters.

I soo want to make this blog work for me, I just dont' know how, I don't know how to put myself out there for soo many people. There are about 7 people in my life who I bare my whole self too, my husband is included. The other people know who they are and I'm thankful for them b/c it helps keep me honest with myself, especially when they ask questions. I get questions sometimes about me, or about my thoughts or about my beliefs and about who I am in general. I love these people b/c I don't have to hide who I am, I don't have masks or walls to hide behind, like I do with some people, like I use to do all the time. A good friend once gave me that whole metaphor. That I use to hide behind walls and layers of masks to keep people from seeing the real me, to keep from getting hurt, to keep myself safe. This is a wall I'm taking down, or a mask however you want to look at it. I want to be vulnerable, I want to be out there, I want to face my fears and face who I am. I was talking to another friend who I have a lot in common with, I wish we could have been closer before now, but God has brought us together now and that's all that matters. We have a similar past and even a similiar present. This friend has helped me through so much and I'm thankful for that person. That person too is still finding who they are, finding where they belong in this world. I have learned a lot about myself from these friends and I know I will continue to.

I have the best relationships that I could ask for, some are usual, some are well unique, at least for me, some are definitely out of the ordinary to say the least and some I never thought I would have. Good or bad I am thankful for all the relationships that I have had in my life, no matter how stressful, how exciting or how brief. Everyone that I have had in my life has somehow made an impact on my life. I hope that I too have done the same but I'm not so sure that is the case. I hope that using this blog I will be able to find out more about myself, maybe through self exploration, through others like I have been and through getting my thoughts out and seeing them in writing. I can't lie to myself if I'm putting it out there for others to see, b/c I don't like lying to others so this will keep me more honest with me. As I tend to lie to myself more than I do anyone else. SO here's to being vulnerable and open and bare for all to see.

So that's it for now. I'm having a hard time focusing with so much going on right this second. I will come back I'm sure sometime today or later tonight and write more. You'll get so sick of me lol.

Hmmm

2008-11-25T21:05:00.001-05:00

So I'm going to attempt to put my thoughts down. I have so many that run through my head. This isn't a journal per say but a place for my ramblings in my head. Not really sure that people will want to read this but it's mostly for me. So anyways, this is my attempt at blogging about me. I'm scared. I'm scared to put myself out there for others so in a way this is also a challenge to myself. To be more open than I am, I thought I was open but writing this and knowing that others will eventually at some point in time read it, is scaring me. I've got butterflies in my stomach as I'm writing this just thinking about it.

My problem is I can visualize things really easily. Say something and I can visualize it to the T, I can describe it for you. A friend of mine once told me that I make her hungry or want something just by how I'm able to describe something lol. It helped when I needed it to to make money so I'm not gonna complain. I am giving a warning for those of you who attempt to read what I write, if you don't know me already, I jump from subject to subject. This is my head, this is how things in my head are. So if you get confused or a headache and want to stop reading I totally understand and there are no hard feelings.

I will write about things that happen to me personally or random thoughts that I have. Feel free to discuss with me anything that I write. I have no issues with people questioning me on my thoughts. I actually welcome it, it helps me to figure things out sometimes. Also any questions you want to discuss with me, feel free to ask. So anyways, that's it for now. I hope I can keep this up, it might just help me with what goes on inside this crazy head of mine, or it might just open up Pandora's box, then I'm in trouble.